Sunday, November 30, 2008

Beauty of tragedy

It's funny.... well.. to me it's funny.. I find a lot of things funny that most folks wouldn't crack a smirk at. Helps that I'm twisted. ^_^

In my former class, I kep tabs with some folks.. and there's this kid (yes, if you're 21, you're still a kid) who is looking at divorce info online.. so I talk with him a bit..find out he's looking at divorcing his wife.

First.. I'm a bit floored this dude is 21(and for a bit of a while yet)... and second, why divorce, man?!

So we talk a little bit.
I'm not one to `share Christ` with someone in a situation where there's more thatn just them and I talking.. no, no open-air preacher here, not even close. So while I would have liked to talk with him more, and share some simple truths I know..other students trickling in gave me cause of prevention. Not that I won't be able to talk with this guy again, mind you.
We can always grab a falafel and chat ..huzzah for falafel!

Anyhow.. so I talk with this guy.. ask him some simple questions that cut through a lot of things and really just reveal where he's at..and how his heart is doing through all this. A little history and some listening really go a long way towards seeing potential solutions for temporary problems. Ask him if he loves her.. the answer is yes. So I tell him (and really ponder how often I need to take my own advice....) if he loves her.. fight for it. Make divorce the last option.. the option tha sits right behind growing old and dieing. And he comes back with a good question.. my answer to this question may not be the best.. but it's better than divorce, in my opinion.

~What do you do when you're tired of fighting, when you just don't want to fight anymore?~
...well.. you take a bit of `shore leave` from the war, rest up, and get back in there...

Doesn't help that there's someone else plying their part in this.. on campus no less. Could easily make things a lot worse if buddyboy is sincere in wanting to get things right and on-track with his wife.

Having always been a single man (except for when I'm told otherwise.. which always comes as a shock... yes ladies, I am that blind to things) could argue that I have no plausible grounds on which to offer this fella advice from.
Well, I stick with the bible and that `what God has brought together, let no one rend asunder` and that marriage is for life. Couple that with the fact that the best way to learn is from someone else's mistakes.. and I've learned from many (including my own)... I'd say I'm qualified to offer my opinion, if not some simple advice.

Now.. I'm of two minds on this.
One is.. fight for it. Fight with every last breath and fibre of opportunity in your being.. if you love her.. fight like it.

And the other is.. (and this applies more to me than to this guy).. if you love them.. give them what they want. If they want you to go..then go. If they want you to stay, stay.
There's a wonderful bit of dialogue from the movie `Law of Attraction` with Pierce Brosnan and Julie-Anne Moore... both being divorce-lawyers.. each working for the opposite-gendered couple of a fashion designer and rock/pop star.. they wind up thinking they're married after imbibing too much as a local festival and such..
And during the legal battle.. Pierce brings something up that was confidential ..and Julie-Anne Moore states she wants a divorce.
Pierce says he doesn't believe in divorce, and she gives him a look of acidic-daggery-misery.
~Oh, don't give me that look. Yes I'm a divorce attourney.. but it's just a job. I don't believe in divorce.. I believe in love. And I believe that if you love someone, you give them what they want. if you want a divorce... I'll give it to you.~

Dayum, maaaaaannn.... but then.. love sacrifices its'self on every reef and rock and shaol in the waters so that the one who is loved might stay afloat and not drown, no??

So keep fighting... Give'em what they want.. what they tell you they want ('cause we ain't none of us at all mind-readers)... but fight for it.

And that's the beauty of tragedy.. it brings out in shining example a true side of ourselves.

In any tragedy.. we either find ourselves.. or we find ourselves lacking.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Tin Man


Let us see...
When I first moved to this city back in '98, I cultivated for myself a ... way of being.. that was to the point where I could walk down the street and not be hassled by hookers or dealers.. and even police would shove aside from my path as I strode past.
I could walk by the homeless, the punks, the preppies the drunkards and the business folk and be moved only to aggrevation because they were in the way.

Time flies by.

Wind up at a church.. and part of a skit on `how to get to God`.. mimicking The Wizard of Oz... and I was playing the Tin Man.
Very suitable.
So easy to turn a cold shoulder and withering glare at anyone or thing back then.. to for all forms and purposes, turn off my emotions and just go stonewall-cold.

The Tin Man wanted a heart from the Wizard. So be able to feel and love and care and be tender and all those wonderful things.... that we usually don't associate with men to begin with.

And those things don't exist in me ...well....not so much anymore.

Some of the old things keep coming back, with renewed vigor and life...hatred, anger, resentment and things of that nature... always been there, burning through the engine, driving me forward, step by step on my long journey.
At one point.. love snuck in there.. it got put on a shelf with someone else, and they both were walked away from.

Lately.. there's been things I've been praying about.. like compassion.
Thing about prayer.. pray for patience, and be given time-crunching situations that will test your you can use it, practice patience and strengthen that thing..
Compassion is.. ... such a thing against my nature.
What fights against compassion?.. anger.. pride, self-righteousness.. above those.. being critical.
And I can pinpoint problems a mile away... how to fix them?.. not always so prevalent.. but if you can spot a problem, you can usually(key word) find a solution for it.

It struck me on the way to college the other day that.. WOW.. I'm being really critical and hypocritical and just plain out and out not very compassionate and I've been praying for compassion and.. awwwwwww nuts!! Missed opportunities to actually be compassionate.
I'm sure more will be coming along.. maybe I can scuttle out from under the armour for a short enough time to do the compassionate thing before going back into the bunker.
There are times I wish I could still just go all stonewall and cold to the world around me.

SO.. the next time I find myself slipping back into old habits and ways of thinking.. hopefully I'll be quicker on the draw in realizing what's going on and nip it in the bud.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

...with practice..

Yep, they say that everything gets easier with practice.

Bible says to pray for those who persecute you, pray for your enemies. Bless them as you can, and in doing so, it will be like heaping burning coals upon their heads.

.... I suppose.... but that's only if they know you're praying for them, I figure. What about them folks who have no idea you're praying for them?
There are a few people I now consider to be my enemies. ... part of me hopes something real bad happens to them so that I can laugh.. 'cause I keep remembering the passage of.. ...I can't remember who, but essentially, Israel is being harassed and massacred by this one group...and these others guy, instead of helping, are laughing at them, because their punishment is fitting for their crimes... how often do we smile or grin and relish when someone gets their comeuppance? ...well, God turned away His wrath from Israel because these guys where laughing at them and not helping them instead.
So I'm hoping me laughing at these people when their self-wrought calamity finally strikes will deter their deserved problems from completely consuming them.
And on the other hand.. I'm also praying for them.. trying to do so with a clear conscience, which is hard when you really just want to slap them upside the head...and have to literally bite your tongue around them. (or just leave the room)

And why don't I just clear the air with these people?... Tried that. Everytime I tried to clarify things, put a solution to problems.. they wouldn't hear it. Nothing I say or do is taken the way it's intended, and frankly, I've given up on these people. For now, the best thing is to simply avoid them until my pissed-off-edness winds down to a more easily manageable level. And that could take a long time.. 'cause I like to get things dealt with sooner rather than later, but if someone doesn't want to hear what you say, and misconstrues what you DO when say when they listen... what can you do? (bury'em 8 feet deep, I know...but that's a temporary solution to a long-running irritation)

SO... pray for them. And try not to give a rat's ass about the rest of it.
And that ain't easy.
Praying for someone is like loving someone... you're putting them ahead of yourself.
And that's a hard choice to make when what you really want is to drop them off a cliff. A big cliff. A big cliff over some sharp and pointy rocks. A big cliff over sharp and pointy rocks that lead out to sea, even. .....given that where I am has cliff with rock, and large body of water, but not combined, I'll have to find something else to do. (hey, do it right, or don't do it at all, right??)

Practice makes perfect....
so.. keep practicing praying for these folks... and much as I hate sucking at things.. nobody is ever great at something right off the bat.. not even savants.. they still gotta learn HOW to do something before their natural gifts kick in for it.

practice practice practice...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Some things never change alive.
Okay.. I've been known to get loud, cuss out my tv and get riled up when playing video games. Especially when being sniped, ganked, cheap-shotted and wall-clitched by people.
.... and that's one thing. Understandable by some, untolerable by others, and just basically ignored by yet-more-others.

But there's just something about playing online and dealing with people being stupid by choice or habit.
Getting stoned and playing warcraft, for example (too many kids boast of this)... being drunk and playing (I'm guilty of that at least once.. funny at the time.. don't think I've ever laughed so much at eating someone's shotgun before)... but the thing that just completely ruins when the racist epithets come out.

Now, I'm not one for being politically correct.... so where do I draw my limits?.. mostly at what's offensive to me. And ignorance.. willfull ignorance no less.. really just gets my ire up. I mean come on kid.. use something else.. there's plenty of swearwords available... In this age of `enlightened acceptance`... where does all this love and peace and hippy-beatnik-ness exist, really? Aren't we supposed to just hug and love each other, ignore our differences and sing kum-bye-yah while holding hands in a global-circle?? Stereotype aside.. seriously.. we see ads on tv, hear them on the radio... and what do we experience in the world?... the opposite.

Granted.. everybody is racist to a certain degree, on some level. But where does that ingrained, in-born thing end and the choice to hate someone and be derogatory to them begin because of their skin colour or heritage??

And to go on and on about this crap... over... what?
Being knifed from behind because you're too careless to watch your 6?
Having someone camped out snipe you in the teeth and knock you off your pedastel?
It's a game.. but when the racist cracks start coming out.. it's no longer a game.

Makes me wonder if all those bleeding hearts screaming for equality and justice and tolerance play video games....
I for one.. can't stand it anymore. It's to the point I just stop playing games that have these people in them... and yet, if that were all it took to end it... I'd think it'd be done by now.. except we all know that these things never go away.. they just crawl under the carpet for a while, like some dirty secret, until it can come out to bite you in the face again.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Yeah... don't know why I bother, most days.
Every time I try to do something nice for someone I have even the slightest of carings-about, it blows up in my face.
And yet, if I don't know you or care about you, I can do wonderful things and it never blows up in my face. ..maybe that's because I'm not around long enough for the explosion to catch me?..heheh. nuts.

Either way.. with information I have.. and a couple of good hunches, I make an offer.
It's going to suck if my info is wrong, because that'll make doing these things harder.. doable, but harder. My hunches however.. they're usually bang-on not worried about that. It's the making it happen if the replies come back in the affirmative.. which I'm not expecting them to, but every so rarely, am I surprised with how people respond to things.

The only good news about this entire thing is that God works miraculously stupendous things for no other reason sometimes (at least, no other reason I can fathom) than just because He's awesome... and of course, how else can certain things come about if not for a miracle?

Either way.. time will tell what happens. Here's hoping for the best.. prepping for the worst.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Just Knowing

`I just knew.`. ....How I loathe that answer. Especially when I use it. It doesn't explain anything, and often sounds like, well, a cop-out to avoid explaining something.
The most often use of this phrase I've found is when peope are so madly in love with each other you want to kick them in the knee to counteract the cavities you're incurring simply by breathing the same air.

Problem with that is... (aside from the lawsuits of kicking people who are so damned sappy `in love` with each other) ...there are a lot of things I `just know`. And there's no sane, rational explanation for any of it, other than.. well, I know what I know.

There are people I meet, and while I don't -have- to talk with them to know things, it's usually best I've found to actually talk to them.. mostly on account of that it either confirms or dissuages whatever impression I've already got. Most folks don't like it when you say something that cuts through all the crap and pinpoints an issue that's crippling (or about to cripple) them. And I'm the kind of guy that.. I can't just sit around and let you do something that's going to further your own personal destruction, taint your soul and hurt those who care about you. So I typically open my big mouth, and cause issues and such...
I figure.. if you know, you can do something about it. If no one will tell you about the things they see and are evident in your life, then they're no better than someone who's willing to disease you and let you rot.
Your friends.. they stab you in the front. They hand you a scalpel to cut out the cancer. They stand by with antiseptic and bandages as neccessary. And they don't let you wander about with cancer or gangrene, infecting others and wounding those around you who care about you.

And if someone can look at you..and just know you've got issues (we've all got issues, don't get me wrong) and there are things so blatant in your life.. it's time to suck it up, get patched up, and move on, instead of flailing about in your own mess. And some folks can Just Know. Doesn't make it any easier.

This leads into `The One`. Just Knowing and The One. Pisses me off, I tell you what. It's not something you hear in everyday chat amongst people... but talk to married people.. most of them, anyhow.. and one (if not both) will have that `oh, I knew he/she/it was The One`...wether it's the 4th month of casually hanging out, 2nd date, the first 10 minutes of meeting them, or just right from the moment their eyes met... far too many people have this `I just knew he/she/it was The One.`

A few days back, I had this idea in my head that someone I spent a number of years knowing, loving, and wanting the best of life for... was married.
So after a few days of letting this roll around in my head...I fire off an email to see if how accurate this thought is.
...Well.. she's not married. But is going to be next year.
She's met this guy..and JUST KNEW HE'S THE ONE. And then fell in love with him.
Wonderful. Trying to be happy for her.. which is hard.. because...she's `the one` for me.
Or so I thought. Put more than a few years in.. prayed through it all, `fleecing` I think is the term folks use.. basically, wanting to make sure this is the right thing, not doing the wrong thing.. and everything always came back in the positive. Go read.. what is it?.. Judges? the thing with Gideon.
Ever whine to God?... I do. Usually about a wife. Being the lone-single amongst my friends.. it gets tedious being a 5th Wheel all the time. And every time I'd whine at God about this... here's this girl again. Over that near-decade, we'd had an on-again-off-again relationship of friends-but-more-than-friends-but-not-more-than-friends.. confused yet?
So, I whine at God about hating being single.. we get back in touch.. and thigns resume their course.
Only now.. she's getting married. ....hello, uncharted territory. Her having a boyfriend or other interest is nothing new.. been there a number of times, and I've always remained. But marriage.. that's above and beyond dating someone. That's some serious planning, plotting, and future-dreaming. And I have to do what I can to not interfere with this. Be supportive.

She loves this guy..and she `just knew`.
....I love her.. and always figured.. just knew - as it were, that we'd end up together.
But what is love? (baby don't hurt me... don't hurt me... no more - bonus points if you get that reference)
Love is always a choice. Much easier to make that choice when you've got the emotional rush to help fuel your actions and decisions. And if you love someone.. you try to give them what they tell you they want. And sometimes, they don't have to tell you anything.. you can just see it in their eyes, hear it in their voice... and if you know that person.. then you'll just let them go.

And that's a hard damn thing to do.. letting the one you've loved for almost a decade go..and be with someone else. Even harder to pray for her wedding, that things go smooth, and they'll be happy and healthy and all that stuff, the good stuff of marriage, that the bad stuff would be smoothed over and worked through with kindness and compassion... and all those things that you can't do for her.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Down with the sickness

To quote Charlie Brown

... I'm sick!
For the first time in over a year, I'm sick. I rarely get sick. I get sick about as often as I get headaches.. and I've had a headache since I got sick.. go figure.
Sure, I have allergies that come and go, but that's not being sick.
Sick... sucks!
Especially when it starts off as a sore throat, and the next day is hacking out the rainbow-of-lungbutter in the shower. (Something about the moist air, and the hot water on the back...mmmmmmmsoothing)

Well.. I've been wanting some this is a perfect excuse for it.
Funny, how sometimes the things we want, we never really get.
I've wanted a few days of nothing but time to myself for a few weeks now..and everytime I started to get it.. I'd get bored, and call up a buddy and go hang out.
Well.. now it's time to just .. take time. Be alone, be still... recuperate somewhat.

The Lord knows I've got too much time to think to begin with, what with looking for work that can be scheduled around school, and school, that ends at noon, with very little homework. WAYYYYYYY too much time to think about things. But that's not why I want solitude.

See.. I don't like people. I know what people are. What every single person is capable of.. the evil that seethes and bleeds within our hearts and souls.. but that's not why I don't like people. ..I'm just more comfortable by myself. I can handle social settings and such.. but the smaller groupings the better.
And sometimes, when I'm around people too much.. I have to get away. Find solace in solitude and just.. be renewed.

Another thing is.. dreams.
I don't dream, not normally. I close my eyes.. time passes, and I open them again.
But every so often, I have a dream. I remember all my dreams.. not all OF my dreams, but all my dreams.. that is to say : I remember having them, but not every aspect of them.
And lately.. I've been having some odd dreams about things I've been praying about.
Freaky. And not in a bad way, but also not a good way. Just that rare mellow freaky.. makes you go `woah.. freaky.. okay, now where'd I put the butter for my toast?`
So maybe.. sick aside, solitude can garner me something more than simple recuperation and time to myself : Focus.

Have you ever tried to pick out the strains of a harpsichord while the orchestra plays along.. in the middle of morning-rush-traffic with the windows down, while the kids scream from the backseat and the guy who's keeping pace next to your car is cranking his own noise??...
Sometimes I think that's what life is really life.. when we lose our focus.

So on that note, I'm going to down some drugs(not that kind, I don't do that.. when I mention `drugs` I mean either prescription or over-the-counter) and hit the sack.. and see what I can do about refocusing.

Monday, November 3, 2008

The Hard Things

It's been said that the only reason anyone changes, is because they either WANT to.. or they HAVE to(usually, or else they'll die).

Well, I -need- to. Not because I have to.. I can continue on my way and not die.. and I kind of don't want to, either.. because change means.. new things. And I enjoy my unstable routines of tedium to a certain degree.

They come.. usually when we're not looking.
Sometimes we seek them out. As I am doing at the moment.

One of these changes.. is trying to live by the moral standards in my life.
And that ain't easy! We'd all agree that killing someone is bad. Sleeping around is stupid. Doing drugs and getting liquored up can be quite detrimental.
But what about lying? Nobody likes to lied to. But we all lie.
A friend and I were once having a conversation, during which I complained that I can lie to people, and they'll eat it up by the shovel-full..but when I tell someone the blatant truth, they look at me like I'm full of it.
We went out a few days later, grabbed some pizza. Now, this friend is black(african-american, if you want to be PC... african-canadian if you want to be Macintosh)..and while we're eating our pizza... I stop eating, and just stare at her eyes.
Eventually she stops chewing and looks at me..and asks `what?`.
Staring her full in the eyes, I say `Nothing.. it's just that you have the bluest eyes I have ever seen.` ... she almost blushes, stammers a `aww, that's so swee...WAIT A MINUTE`.
Point proven.

How about stealing?
We tend to be quite protective of our junk. Territorial. Even the most generous of us, doesn't like it when someone mistreats our gear, or takes our stuff.
And there's the rub.

I have recently been bombarded with Assaults of Conscience.
See.. I love music. If music were a woman.. yeh.. let's not go there.
And, I've got a collection on my laptop. Well, had.
A lot of it was stuff I'd hear on the radio, or from a streaming radio station, and go `hey, that sounds good.` and go download it.
Justifying that I've owned the cd/tape/8track/record (feeling old now) at one point in my life was no longer working as a valid defense. Have to get rid of it.

My conscience will no longer let me live with stolen music.
I tried hashing this out in prayer.
I mean.. c'mon, God... I've had entire music libraries stolen.. bought and purchased cd's.. stolen by hoodlums. Rotten %^$!@tards even used my pillow cases to cart everything away in!
And I'm no better than they are.. while I didn't use the artist's pillow cases.. I still stole their works. Doesn't matter if I owned it at one point in time or another.. I had it.. I enjoyed it.. it's gone now. If I really want it.. go buy it again.

But.. but what about stuff that isn't available anymore? Stuff that's been discontinued or been recalled and destroyed and such?
No answer on that. ....better to err on the side of caution, I think.

Okay.. music is fine.. but what about movies and such? I'm aware that while you can't record tv shows in Canada.. the thing for downloading them is not ironclad yet (though, I haven't been keeping up to date on that...if I'm wrong, tell me) ...and while I don't watch much tv, I'll download a few episodes of some shows.. watch'em and delete them when I'm done watching them. ....So where does the line get drawn?

The line gets I've learned.. with ..what.. 1st Corinthians 12?
Basically.. it says something like `I have freedom to do things. But not everything is good for me. And while I have this freedom, I won't be a slave to this liberty.`
Slave to freedom??... Wow. Hard to think on... but try and tell someone who lives in the north-west hemisphere that they can't do something.. like.. oh.. walk across the street (jaywalking, which is still illegal)..and you've tied their knickers in a twist! But tell them they can't cross the train-tracks while a locomotive is zooming by, and they won't bat a lash.

Is it good for me?
Does it hurt others?
Does it honour God?

Those are some of the changes I'm trying to implement.. to live that.
If it's not good for me - physically, mentally, spiritually... if it will hurt someone else.. and if it dishonours God, then I don't want to do those things.

And so.. small steps..
Goodbye music I haven't bought.
While the beats will be missed, knowing I've done the right thing is a better groove.