Thursday, December 25, 2008


So.. it is Christmas day.
A day of Massing for Christ.
Let all His follower come together and worship Him.

You know.. the funny thing is.. I've always believed that a man is his true-self when he is inebriated. I've been by mself since about 11 A.M. and drinking since about noon. I haven't built up a tolerance or anything, so my `buzz on` is fairly weak. It is now almost 6:30, and I've gone through half a case of beer (12 beers). That works out to about 2 beers an hour. Which really ain't bad, kinda pitiful among drinkers, really.... but for a guy who doesn't drink?.. I'm doing well. Definately not sober, but not drunk either.
And the funny thing is that as buzzy and wobbly as I am.. I can't help but think of how awesome God is.. and just how much I need Him in my life.
I was talking with a familiar acquaintance last night.. and asked her if she would consider going down the path of getting to know each other, with marriage as a pit-stop along the crazy adventure of life..

She said Yes.

Scary and exhiliarating and ... wow. Not really any of the things I look for in a woman.. and yet, at the same time.. so many things I -need- in a partner. How else to explain this other than how awesome God is?.. think about it.

Here I am.. with my own tastes and warped sense of desires and such.. and here's this girl who I've known for a while..and the most we've done is friendly-chitchat.. and yet.. she's got these character qualities I need ... yes, NEED.. not just want.. but things that.. well, frankly.. I feel loved.. accepted.. ...... Like I am normal.. when I'm with her. Despite the crazy stuff I do. espite my ramblings, despite my rantings and crazy fringe-ideas.
I can pull her close.. snuggle-up and .. just.. wow.
"Wow" is a phrase I can't really use with anyone. But with her.. it's all just.. 'wow.. this seems so natural' ...

I've kissed.. yes, wasted my lips and emotion and physical self, on more than enough women. There are two kisses that will forever stand out in my mind. ...and both are women I care about. The first.. Darlin.. there is no way I could forget you kissing me... so different from anyone else, so.. completely you..sweet and hungry and.. just.. yeah.
And Sweetheart.. wow. What can I say but wow?... Kissing you is.. ... better than any addiction I've ever had. You're amazing.

Now here is two women.. one that I have loved for years. ...and is marrying someone else. I'll do whatever I can to support her and the man she has chosen to be her husband.
And the other.. ...Just.. Wow. I am so looking forward to getting to know you better than I do the other... what a ride we can have on this journey of life!

And there's the rub.
God teaches us so many things.. even through our own stupidity and choices and the things we do.. we can learn from them.. and the simple fact that God has kept us alive, not demanded a recknoning for our life's up to this point in time.. is a miracle!
God could yank my soul from my earthsuit(body) at any moment He so chooses..and demand I give an account for the things I've done with all He has given me.. every breath, every cent and dollar, every moment of time and the things I've done with them...
And yet He doesn't.. He gives me more time to do things, to learn things, to try and be better and more like His son Jesus... to slough off this `old man`.. this nature of Sin and self-destruction and hatred of God.... it's amazing.

How many adversaries give you an option of redemption? How myn who loathe what you've done to yourself.. who cannot stand the things you've become.. offer you a solution to all your problems and to bring you back into their embrace?
Only God. ... Only God through the sacrifice of His son..
Jesus Christ.. God made flesh.. came to fulfill the Cup of Wrath to be poured out on humantiy because of our choices and rebellion and hatred of God....

Can you hear that conversation?
`Son.. I cannot go easy on you if you choose this. Every last drop, every last dreg of this cup, shall you drink, though you beg otherwise, will be yours to indulge if you choose this.`
~Father.. I know. And I know You will give me endurance to get through, and because this is all for Your glory.. I choose this.. redeem Your people and ALL creation... I choose this misery so THEY can be redeemed.~
'So be it, My Son. on Your name, shall men be saved.`

And there it is.. as far as I can imagine. How awesome that name of Jesus.. how precious.. how.. how blapshemed... how often sullied and dirtied and.. ruined.. by His followers, forget just normal folks who don't care about God or even believe.

And yeah...
I'm one of them.. But Christ's followers ain't perfect... not to use that as an excuse.. righteousness.. it's a process of becoming. Ain't none of us perfect..and the world holds that up as their excuse to continue as they are, instead of seeing the miracles of how these poeple change and become more than they could otherwise..
and I? I'm like them.. to a point.. but I'm still far from perfect.. as I sit here and drink my beer.

Merry Christmas

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Itunes is, sadly, the choice for audiophiles who enjoy their mainstream and relatively easy to navigate program.

Hate it. I have no respect for mac, or mac users or apple products or anything that makes it's living bashing the majority of consumers and propagating an air of superiority for their clique of customers and fan-base. Hate Microsoft, too.. but I'm too lazy to learn Linux.

SO.. Bought 42 songs off Itunes (see november rant about music)...and then decided to give Emusic a try.

..Well.... Emusic had about.. 9 songs.. that Itunes has.. for 1/3 the price. For 12$, get 30 downloads, and the 50 free download special thing. Burned through all but 3 of those (total of 80, so, 77 songs for my 12$) tonight..
A LOT of crap on Emusic. It'll say `Black Betty`..but it's NOT RamJam doing it (or the Spiderbait cover, which I like better). Not even close to a GOOD cover of BlackBetty... however, there was one cover using a mandolin..that was nifty.
So what did I get for my 12$ ??.. a lot of electronica / house / trance / dance .. some jazz, and those 9 songs I wanted from Itunes.

So.. all in all, for less than the price of 2 albums, I got more than double the tracks off Itunes.. and for less than half the price of one album, I got roughly 3 & 1/2 times the tracks from Emusic. But Emusic's offerings aren't all that great, unless you enjoy bad covers, live versions and heavy-indie music. All of which I Not. One. Bit.

Ah well.. win some, lose some..and in the end, it's only money - it's made to be spent.
Which brings me to the point of this thing..
The minute my credit card is swipe, my limit dips. But it takes 3 days.. 3 business days no less, for my payment to increase my limit. ...checked my balance tonight (because I'm anal about these things).. and while my transactions and subsequent payment went through.. my limit is still where it was. Hmmmm.
If this remains the same tomorrow..I may have to make a phone call and find out what gives.
If I give you X-amount to cover my debts that I've incurred, I expect (and there's the problem.. expectations) that my credit limit will be restored. And given that there's been no phone calls asking about the purchases made and did I, in fact, make them?..and so forth..I can only assume there's no problem.

Not yet anyhow.

There's gotta be a better way than this...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

'Tis the season

Oy.... more and more I loathe anything with `holiday` in it.

I'm trying to remember when `holiday` was... well.. a holiday! A time for fun and relaxing and laughter and.. stuff like that.

Seems like the last decade or three has been `tis the season... for greed and consumption in amss quantities!` ..and yeh, I'm guilty as anyone, wanting stuff that really isn't important or needed and it's all just stuff and ...well, nothing is built to last anymore.

As I learn more in my accounting class.. I think of the useful life-span of objects.

Once upon a time.. you could go and buy a kitchen table.. and your kids could inherit it and te grandkids would have it as their kitchen table because mom&dad inherited it from you, and if they took care of it.. the grandkids mights inherit it. ...but now.. a kitchen table is lucky to last 20 years at best. And that's going with a good solid wood table. Not one of these cheapie ikea-crapolas that get churned out like sausage-links. I can hear it now.. `Quick Ollie!! The truck is back, turn the handle, turn the handle! They want more crappy furniture that'll last 3 years!`

Ugh....and sigh.

It's the holidays.. which means, typically.. we-the-consumer go into debt to get junk for our friends and family that we think they'll like(and they usually do) and that maybe it'll make them happy. ...well, here's the thing about happy.. it doesn't exist. We think it does.. but really, it's one big snipe-hunt. Doesn't exist..and because we think it does..we `see` or `feel` telltale signs that it's somewhere close.. and maybe just maybe.. giving stuff to people..and getting stuff from people.. yeah man..yeh!..we get to be happy, and we can BE happy.

Good luck. Happy don't exist.

But joy does.. and

Lemme tell ya.. joy exists.. it transcends anything peope can be.. but too many folks would trade real joy in for a smidge of this `happy` thing.

And know.. maybe that 32" true-flat wall-hang lcd tv, too. ...with the 12.1 surround sound system.. and a mini-fridge-end-table so I don't have to get up and go to the kitchen to get myself a cold one....and that leather-recliner..with built-in I don't have to get up and go to the bathroom should the need arise during a movie or football game. And.. and..and..

And then I'll be happy. Once all these things are done, acquired, conquered, stuffed, mounted, plaqued and lacquered.. once I get all the glory for my work and that fat bonus where I'll never have to work again... once that happens, then I'll be happy.

Will you? Will you really?

Except.. happy don't exist.. not really and for true, it don't.

But there IS something about giving stuff to others.. especially when it costs you something - something you can't budget for, even.

Going down to get a falafel with TheKid from my old class(the one looking at divorce)..he mentions `have you noticed how hot WhatsHerFace looks today` ??.. to which I go (and thank You, God, for that perfect opening) "Dude.. I thought you were fighting to get back together with your wife?.. what's this crap about?!".. and RG who is not a Christian, actually agrees with me. (I say `actually` because I was expecting him to be more about personal freedoms than to agree with me). We talk with TheKid for a bit.. agreeing about a lot of things (thanks for the unexpected assist, RG), and convince him that if he is serious about getting back with his wife.. the goings-on with WhatsHerFace ain't in his best interest.

Very cool that TheKid was receptive to this.

Okay.. that's a bit of a sidebar.. RG had owed me some money.. and paid me for it. So.. the day before the encounter with TheKid.. I was meeting a friend for lunch (more falafel..he had a shawarma...mmmmmSO GOOD!)..bought an extra one..and met RG up in the caf. Handed him some money to which he looked all puzzled at me.. I explained why I was giving it to him (in that, the next time I saw him, I was going to tell him to not worry about paying me back..but he had already paid me before I could see him.. stinkin internet)..and offered him my other falafel sandwhich.

Makes me feel good?...not really. But it's still a `nice thing` to do for someone.. forgive them their debt.. repay them their debt, come to think of it. very unexpected.. moreso when you yourself are hurtin.

Which brings me to this thing..

I was wondering around the mall.and stopped in at a store..and I have NO IDEA what possessed me...but I bought some stuff. Women's clothing. From a women's store. With frilly stuff in it, and undergarment type stuff as their specialty.

I am not a woman. I am not comfortable in those stores.

Now before you get all wide-eyed(too late?) at me..

I bought housecoats. Nice, fluffy housecoats. A few of them.

I didn't know why. Still don't, really.

But I know where one of them went, and the other is going.

I remember walking out of the mall, thanking God for my friend who lent me his car to do my shopping..and asking - almost begging - that He'd take the glory for whatever was being done with the housecoat.

and hey.. turns out, God is awesome.. and the person who got the housecoat, as I learned.. has praised Him.

What better thing, really, than to bring a smile to someone's face(I'm assuming they smiled), and to hear that they praise the Lord for even a small thing as some fuzzy-comfy cloth left on a doorstep ??

Now -that- warms my granite chestpiece.

Woke up this morning thanking God that He took the glory for that.

I wouldn't have done this thing of my own volition.. fact of the matter is... I don't like the person who got the housecoat. No logical or rational reason to get them anything. And in my shopping stupor and frazzleness.. God was awesome enough to use me for His glory.

That's my story, and I'm stickin to it.

Sometimes.. life gets us so beat down we feel miserable all the time..and some folks try to escape it by volunteering ot working themselves raw doing things for others.. and none of it works! It might be a temporary thing..but when you do it to get that sense of relief or release or `warm fuzzy`... just don't last and you can feel like this... all kinds of shot up and run ragged and more miserable than when you started.
Not that there's anything wrong with volunteering, don't get me wrong here. you folks can have your "Season of Joy".. when what is really sought is material junk and `happiness`. Don't think I can ever truly comprehend the desire for happiness and such.. much as a friend has tried to explain it to me..and I keep telling her `you know my thoughts on 'happy'`..which circumvents the numerous arguements we've had about happiness.

I'll take some true joy.. joy of serving my Lord...even when I'm not aware of it.

Sunday, December 7, 2008


Okay.. I've done it now.

Going 5-digits in debt for school... hah! No worries. (I don't know why, but whatever)
But dropping a couple hundred dollars on a beginner-kit for Bass guitar... well.. I worry about that. Now I've got to set a certain amount of time apart and integrate practicing and training and learning (more than just school learning now..wheeee) into my weekly routine. And I am the man with no set-schedule.(aside from school).

It's the same thing with clothes or regular shopping.. even grocery shopping! I get frazzled and worry about what I buy. I shouldn't splurge on a set of jeans ..even though my back pockets flap in the breeze and the world can see just how hairy my bum really is (or isn't). Or I shouldn't buy this big pack of chicken nuggets that'll last me a week and a half if I mix'em in a handfull at a time with the no-name mac&cheese.

And it's christmas time.(getting there).
Normally, I don't do christmas at all. And I'm a horrible uncle. So I try to make up for not being there to spend time with my nieces and nephew with stuff at christmas if I can afford it. Try and make it up there for a few days if scheduling allows.

And here I am now.. dropped more than a couple of hundred dollars on musical stuff for myself.. toys and such for my nieces & nephew, and some stuff for a friend who I'm trying a small experiment on, and she is now becoming aware of it. (hopefully, it all works out okay...looks like it might) ..feeling like a grand-jackass for buying something for myself... but I figure if I can get myself away from monthly-gaming fees and wasting money on crap when I can be practicing something, you know.. useful (at least to myself)..that'll help expand my own creativity.. huzzah. But what is it that I can't spend money on myself without feeling so freakin guilty and stupid? ..even when it's something that's needed!! (like.. shampoo. .....oooooh.. Ranma flashback)

Still some christmas shopping left to do.. and while yeh.. I probably should be smarter with my money.. I don't see this as breaking me (I'll have enough left over.. I figure.. but then.. is it enough for whatever God wants me to do with it?..or is it provided for this specific purpose now?.. one main reason I wanted to get a bass is so I can have another way of worship... my voice alone just don't cut it in my books) part of the reason I've got this money (and spending it) is so I can hopefully help my friend realize she's a good-looking young woman, value herself, and to help her break out of the rut I see she's in? She's got dreams.. but.. for whatever reason.. can't go after them.
...for myself.. I know I couldn't go after something unless I thought it was worth it AND that I could actually do it.. and some of that is self-image. Not esteem.. who needs that junk?.. but image. How do I see myself?.. fairly worthless, actually. So I don't do much. ...but worthless, yet redeemed because of Christ's sacrifice and gift.. so I can do all things through Him who saved me..and I can now do things I've never even dreamt of. ...Okay.. so let's give this thing(whatever it is) a shot and see what happens.

While I have a few theories as to why I perpetually feel bad about buying anything for myself.. None of them seem to quite pinpoint the source. ...weird... I could drop a couple grand on a friend..and not bat a lash.. but 100$ for 4 or 5 pairs of jeans and I can't justify it.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I (didn't) told you so??

... Yay.
It never rains but it pours.
Well.. it doesn't pour.. it monsoons.
Feast or famine.. what, no snacking here or there???

So with all the wonderful things going on lately.. (a bit of sexual harassment at school, friend's relatives dying, infants being sickly, people being laid up with back problems, some getting married, others getting divorced)... turns out my mom is getting divorced.
..Now.. my parents have been divorced for over a decade now.. both remarried.
Good for them.
I get an email from my mom, and at the bottom is `I have something I need to tell you`.
Those words alone `need to tell you`.. are as bad to men as `we need to talk` ...starting to think that anything with `need to` in it should be banned from linguistics altogether.

Now.. I'm an ass. I mean I am a Class-A dink. From what I know of things that have transpired in the past, the reverse is happening here..and I made a comment about that. Yeh.. tact I have.. it stays in an airtight container for emergency use only.. and apparently I forgot what shelf I left it on.

So... yay. More misery during the month of happiness and wonder. ...Y'all can send me a christmas card to the Kingston pen. ...When I met this guy, the only thing I said to him was `make my mom cry, and I'll kill you &^$@ing dead.` when I hear he wants a divorce, doesn't love her anymore and hasn't been happy for a long time now.. I asked her one thing.
"Did you cry?"
"That's all I need to know"

Yes people.. I am one of those looney psychotics that.. well.. I try to be a man of my word.
SO... I now have to go over my plot-book of where I put bodies and figure out whose place this guy can occupy.

.... but that's just me venting in my anger.

The sad thing is.. many times have we seen someone we care about in a relationship we know in out gut is bad... and don't say anything because we figure they wouldn't listen anyhow?

See.. my mom wouldn't marry someone who's not a christian. And this dude ain't. He finds this out..and jumps on the biblical-bandwagon. My red-alert goes off... but hey, it ain't my life. Besides.. when you love someone.. does reason and rationale really have a place? (well, yes..but they need to be amplified to be heard)
So... this occurance only solidifies what I've been thinking for a few years now.
And this ain't one of them things where saying to the person `I told you this was a bad idea!` has any kind of comforting smugness or any of that assinine crap that goes with it at all.

It's reassuring that she has some kind of support from close-by friends... but it doesn't change the fact that I want to bury this dude. ... my mom and I never had a real good relationship.. but she's my mom..and you don't mess with my family unless you want to meet your maker ahead of schedule.
...but then, that'd be playing God myself.. and that's not a wise thing to do.
So.. praying.. and as useless as that feels... well, I know I can't trust my feelings.
Prayer ain't useless, even when it seems like it is.
And I told me so.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Right around the corner waiting to smack you in the nose with a soaking-wet, hand-knitted mitten. You know the kind.. the kind that gain about 20 pounds of weight when wet, and hit anything like a brick.

I got thinking.. about the word holidays. And in my head it makes sense that the term comes from holy-days.. days of setting one's self apart for righteousness and holiness and being better than human.

People love this time of year.. save the snow and the cold.. well, sure, they love the snow.. when they're not driving in it, shovelling it, or otherwise doing anything but recreational/fun things in it. Can't blame'em. Wonder where my sense of that child-like joy for things went.. knowing me, it probably wandered off somewhere, and is waiting patiently under some kind of rockslide to be rescued... I miss that somedays... the wonderlust of new things and that irrepressible thing kids have... anymore, I sigh and wonder what this is going to cost me, and I ain't talking just money, folks.

To the best of my knowledge.. it's Christmas time (with valentine's being an almost-close second) that the suicide rates spike dramatically.
And no wonder, to me, anyhow... with all the forced cheer and dreckish weather and everybody clamouring for things for their families in a stupid frenzy... I mean seriously... what the hell people?!?! 20 years ago you didn't hear about some poor employee being TRAMPLED TO DEATH by frickin ignorant greedy gobs of human stupidity just to do some christmas shopping!!! ..What the hell kind of world has this become that people ignore (and let's face it.. you're ignoring the poor kid you're crushing.. because we're all aware when we step in something.. slush, gum, gravel, whatever.. a HUMAN BEING is a lot bigger and noticeable than those things!!) ...that people ignore basic behaviour and as a mob kill someone?
"Mob rule"... "mob mentality"... BS excuses if you ask me.
That's about as useful to defend your greedy choices and actions as saying it's okay to rape someone because you're horny, really really horny.

...Have there been any charges?.. not from the news articles I've read.. just grumbles at the company for not giving the deceased `proper crowd control lessons`.
Excuse me?
How about giving those people some `proper human-behaviour lessons` ??.. like.. let someone go ahead of you... don't knock people down, and HEY.. it's only crap.. it'll be in a landfill in 15 years(probably), so don't make it a priority!!

But.. such is the way of the world..
How badly I want out of this place... BUT.. not until I'm done whatever I'm supposed to do, and am allowed to go home will I leave.

I tend to loathe holiday-times... never been one for shopping or malls or crowds or for that matter, people. And these times of year only exaggerate that and bring into close-proximity the savagery of what folks truly are underneath it all. I haven't `done` christmas for a few years now.. sure, I'll get stuff for my family if I can.. but I'm not a fan of it. The rush-rush from place to place, traffic snarles.... the essential humanity let loose... drives me bonkers.

I am of the opinion that we (as a society, and world) need more Holy Days...and less holidays.