Thursday, December 25, 2008


So.. it is Christmas day.
A day of Massing for Christ.
Let all His follower come together and worship Him.

You know.. the funny thing is.. I've always believed that a man is his true-self when he is inebriated. I've been by mself since about 11 A.M. and drinking since about noon. I haven't built up a tolerance or anything, so my `buzz on` is fairly weak. It is now almost 6:30, and I've gone through half a case of beer (12 beers). That works out to about 2 beers an hour. Which really ain't bad, kinda pitiful among drinkers, really.... but for a guy who doesn't drink?.. I'm doing well. Definately not sober, but not drunk either.
And the funny thing is that as buzzy and wobbly as I am.. I can't help but think of how awesome God is.. and just how much I need Him in my life.
I was talking with a familiar acquaintance last night.. and asked her if she would consider going down the path of getting to know each other, with marriage as a pit-stop along the crazy adventure of life..

She said Yes.

Scary and exhiliarating and ... wow. Not really any of the things I look for in a woman.. and yet, at the same time.. so many things I -need- in a partner. How else to explain this other than how awesome God is?.. think about it.

Here I am.. with my own tastes and warped sense of desires and such.. and here's this girl who I've known for a while..and the most we've done is friendly-chitchat.. and yet.. she's got these character qualities I need ... yes, NEED.. not just want.. but things that.. well, frankly.. I feel loved.. accepted.. ...... Like I am normal.. when I'm with her. Despite the crazy stuff I do. espite my ramblings, despite my rantings and crazy fringe-ideas.
I can pull her close.. snuggle-up and .. just.. wow.
"Wow" is a phrase I can't really use with anyone. But with her.. it's all just.. 'wow.. this seems so natural' ...

I've kissed.. yes, wasted my lips and emotion and physical self, on more than enough women. There are two kisses that will forever stand out in my mind. ...and both are women I care about. The first.. Darlin.. there is no way I could forget you kissing me... so different from anyone else, so.. completely you..sweet and hungry and.. just.. yeah.
And Sweetheart.. wow. What can I say but wow?... Kissing you is.. ... better than any addiction I've ever had. You're amazing.

Now here is two women.. one that I have loved for years. ...and is marrying someone else. I'll do whatever I can to support her and the man she has chosen to be her husband.
And the other.. ...Just.. Wow. I am so looking forward to getting to know you better than I do the other... what a ride we can have on this journey of life!

And there's the rub.
God teaches us so many things.. even through our own stupidity and choices and the things we do.. we can learn from them.. and the simple fact that God has kept us alive, not demanded a recknoning for our life's up to this point in time.. is a miracle!
God could yank my soul from my earthsuit(body) at any moment He so chooses..and demand I give an account for the things I've done with all He has given me.. every breath, every cent and dollar, every moment of time and the things I've done with them...
And yet He doesn't.. He gives me more time to do things, to learn things, to try and be better and more like His son Jesus... to slough off this `old man`.. this nature of Sin and self-destruction and hatred of God.... it's amazing.

How many adversaries give you an option of redemption? How myn who loathe what you've done to yourself.. who cannot stand the things you've become.. offer you a solution to all your problems and to bring you back into their embrace?
Only God. ... Only God through the sacrifice of His son..
Jesus Christ.. God made flesh.. came to fulfill the Cup of Wrath to be poured out on humantiy because of our choices and rebellion and hatred of God....

Can you hear that conversation?
`Son.. I cannot go easy on you if you choose this. Every last drop, every last dreg of this cup, shall you drink, though you beg otherwise, will be yours to indulge if you choose this.`
~Father.. I know. And I know You will give me endurance to get through, and because this is all for Your glory.. I choose this.. redeem Your people and ALL creation... I choose this misery so THEY can be redeemed.~
'So be it, My Son. on Your name, shall men be saved.`

And there it is.. as far as I can imagine. How awesome that name of Jesus.. how precious.. how.. how blapshemed... how often sullied and dirtied and.. ruined.. by His followers, forget just normal folks who don't care about God or even believe.

And yeah...
I'm one of them.. But Christ's followers ain't perfect... not to use that as an excuse.. righteousness.. it's a process of becoming. Ain't none of us perfect..and the world holds that up as their excuse to continue as they are, instead of seeing the miracles of how these poeple change and become more than they could otherwise..
and I? I'm like them.. to a point.. but I'm still far from perfect.. as I sit here and drink my beer.

Merry Christmas

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Itunes is, sadly, the choice for audiophiles who enjoy their mainstream and relatively easy to navigate program.

Hate it. I have no respect for mac, or mac users or apple products or anything that makes it's living bashing the majority of consumers and propagating an air of superiority for their clique of customers and fan-base. Hate Microsoft, too.. but I'm too lazy to learn Linux.

SO.. Bought 42 songs off Itunes (see november rant about music)...and then decided to give Emusic a try.

..Well.... Emusic had about.. 9 songs.. that Itunes has.. for 1/3 the price. For 12$, get 30 downloads, and the 50 free download special thing. Burned through all but 3 of those (total of 80, so, 77 songs for my 12$) tonight..
A LOT of crap on Emusic. It'll say `Black Betty`..but it's NOT RamJam doing it (or the Spiderbait cover, which I like better). Not even close to a GOOD cover of BlackBetty... however, there was one cover using a mandolin..that was nifty.
So what did I get for my 12$ ??.. a lot of electronica / house / trance / dance .. some jazz, and those 9 songs I wanted from Itunes.

So.. all in all, for less than the price of 2 albums, I got more than double the tracks off Itunes.. and for less than half the price of one album, I got roughly 3 & 1/2 times the tracks from Emusic. But Emusic's offerings aren't all that great, unless you enjoy bad covers, live versions and heavy-indie music. All of which I Not. One. Bit.

Ah well.. win some, lose some..and in the end, it's only money - it's made to be spent.
Which brings me to the point of this thing..
The minute my credit card is swipe, my limit dips. But it takes 3 days.. 3 business days no less, for my payment to increase my limit. ...checked my balance tonight (because I'm anal about these things).. and while my transactions and subsequent payment went through.. my limit is still where it was. Hmmmm.
If this remains the same tomorrow..I may have to make a phone call and find out what gives.
If I give you X-amount to cover my debts that I've incurred, I expect (and there's the problem.. expectations) that my credit limit will be restored. And given that there's been no phone calls asking about the purchases made and did I, in fact, make them?..and so forth..I can only assume there's no problem.

Not yet anyhow.

There's gotta be a better way than this...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

'Tis the season

Oy.... more and more I loathe anything with `holiday` in it.

I'm trying to remember when `holiday` was... well.. a holiday! A time for fun and relaxing and laughter and.. stuff like that.

Seems like the last decade or three has been `tis the season... for greed and consumption in amss quantities!` ..and yeh, I'm guilty as anyone, wanting stuff that really isn't important or needed and it's all just stuff and ...well, nothing is built to last anymore.

As I learn more in my accounting class.. I think of the useful life-span of objects.

Once upon a time.. you could go and buy a kitchen table.. and your kids could inherit it and te grandkids would have it as their kitchen table because mom&dad inherited it from you, and if they took care of it.. the grandkids mights inherit it. ...but now.. a kitchen table is lucky to last 20 years at best. And that's going with a good solid wood table. Not one of these cheapie ikea-crapolas that get churned out like sausage-links. I can hear it now.. `Quick Ollie!! The truck is back, turn the handle, turn the handle! They want more crappy furniture that'll last 3 years!`

Ugh....and sigh.

It's the holidays.. which means, typically.. we-the-consumer go into debt to get junk for our friends and family that we think they'll like(and they usually do) and that maybe it'll make them happy. ...well, here's the thing about happy.. it doesn't exist. We think it does.. but really, it's one big snipe-hunt. Doesn't exist..and because we think it does..we `see` or `feel` telltale signs that it's somewhere close.. and maybe just maybe.. giving stuff to people..and getting stuff from people.. yeah man..yeh!..we get to be happy, and we can BE happy.

Good luck. Happy don't exist.

But joy does.. and

Lemme tell ya.. joy exists.. it transcends anything peope can be.. but too many folks would trade real joy in for a smidge of this `happy` thing.

And know.. maybe that 32" true-flat wall-hang lcd tv, too. ...with the 12.1 surround sound system.. and a mini-fridge-end-table so I don't have to get up and go to the kitchen to get myself a cold one....and that leather-recliner..with built-in I don't have to get up and go to the bathroom should the need arise during a movie or football game. And.. and..and..

And then I'll be happy. Once all these things are done, acquired, conquered, stuffed, mounted, plaqued and lacquered.. once I get all the glory for my work and that fat bonus where I'll never have to work again... once that happens, then I'll be happy.

Will you? Will you really?

Except.. happy don't exist.. not really and for true, it don't.

But there IS something about giving stuff to others.. especially when it costs you something - something you can't budget for, even.

Going down to get a falafel with TheKid from my old class(the one looking at divorce)..he mentions `have you noticed how hot WhatsHerFace looks today` ??.. to which I go (and thank You, God, for that perfect opening) "Dude.. I thought you were fighting to get back together with your wife?.. what's this crap about?!".. and RG who is not a Christian, actually agrees with me. (I say `actually` because I was expecting him to be more about personal freedoms than to agree with me). We talk with TheKid for a bit.. agreeing about a lot of things (thanks for the unexpected assist, RG), and convince him that if he is serious about getting back with his wife.. the goings-on with WhatsHerFace ain't in his best interest.

Very cool that TheKid was receptive to this.

Okay.. that's a bit of a sidebar.. RG had owed me some money.. and paid me for it. So.. the day before the encounter with TheKid.. I was meeting a friend for lunch (more falafel..he had a shawarma...mmmmmSO GOOD!)..bought an extra one..and met RG up in the caf. Handed him some money to which he looked all puzzled at me.. I explained why I was giving it to him (in that, the next time I saw him, I was going to tell him to not worry about paying me back..but he had already paid me before I could see him.. stinkin internet)..and offered him my other falafel sandwhich.

Makes me feel good?...not really. But it's still a `nice thing` to do for someone.. forgive them their debt.. repay them their debt, come to think of it. very unexpected.. moreso when you yourself are hurtin.

Which brings me to this thing..

I was wondering around the mall.and stopped in at a store..and I have NO IDEA what possessed me...but I bought some stuff. Women's clothing. From a women's store. With frilly stuff in it, and undergarment type stuff as their specialty.

I am not a woman. I am not comfortable in those stores.

Now before you get all wide-eyed(too late?) at me..

I bought housecoats. Nice, fluffy housecoats. A few of them.

I didn't know why. Still don't, really.

But I know where one of them went, and the other is going.

I remember walking out of the mall, thanking God for my friend who lent me his car to do my shopping..and asking - almost begging - that He'd take the glory for whatever was being done with the housecoat.

and hey.. turns out, God is awesome.. and the person who got the housecoat, as I learned.. has praised Him.

What better thing, really, than to bring a smile to someone's face(I'm assuming they smiled), and to hear that they praise the Lord for even a small thing as some fuzzy-comfy cloth left on a doorstep ??

Now -that- warms my granite chestpiece.

Woke up this morning thanking God that He took the glory for that.

I wouldn't have done this thing of my own volition.. fact of the matter is... I don't like the person who got the housecoat. No logical or rational reason to get them anything. And in my shopping stupor and frazzleness.. God was awesome enough to use me for His glory.

That's my story, and I'm stickin to it.

Sometimes.. life gets us so beat down we feel miserable all the time..and some folks try to escape it by volunteering ot working themselves raw doing things for others.. and none of it works! It might be a temporary thing..but when you do it to get that sense of relief or release or `warm fuzzy`... just don't last and you can feel like this... all kinds of shot up and run ragged and more miserable than when you started.
Not that there's anything wrong with volunteering, don't get me wrong here. you folks can have your "Season of Joy".. when what is really sought is material junk and `happiness`. Don't think I can ever truly comprehend the desire for happiness and such.. much as a friend has tried to explain it to me..and I keep telling her `you know my thoughts on 'happy'`..which circumvents the numerous arguements we've had about happiness.

I'll take some true joy.. joy of serving my Lord...even when I'm not aware of it.

Sunday, December 7, 2008


Okay.. I've done it now.

Going 5-digits in debt for school... hah! No worries. (I don't know why, but whatever)
But dropping a couple hundred dollars on a beginner-kit for Bass guitar... well.. I worry about that. Now I've got to set a certain amount of time apart and integrate practicing and training and learning (more than just school learning now..wheeee) into my weekly routine. And I am the man with no set-schedule.(aside from school).

It's the same thing with clothes or regular shopping.. even grocery shopping! I get frazzled and worry about what I buy. I shouldn't splurge on a set of jeans ..even though my back pockets flap in the breeze and the world can see just how hairy my bum really is (or isn't). Or I shouldn't buy this big pack of chicken nuggets that'll last me a week and a half if I mix'em in a handfull at a time with the no-name mac&cheese.

And it's christmas time.(getting there).
Normally, I don't do christmas at all. And I'm a horrible uncle. So I try to make up for not being there to spend time with my nieces and nephew with stuff at christmas if I can afford it. Try and make it up there for a few days if scheduling allows.

And here I am now.. dropped more than a couple of hundred dollars on musical stuff for myself.. toys and such for my nieces & nephew, and some stuff for a friend who I'm trying a small experiment on, and she is now becoming aware of it. (hopefully, it all works out okay...looks like it might) ..feeling like a grand-jackass for buying something for myself... but I figure if I can get myself away from monthly-gaming fees and wasting money on crap when I can be practicing something, you know.. useful (at least to myself)..that'll help expand my own creativity.. huzzah. But what is it that I can't spend money on myself without feeling so freakin guilty and stupid? ..even when it's something that's needed!! (like.. shampoo. .....oooooh.. Ranma flashback)

Still some christmas shopping left to do.. and while yeh.. I probably should be smarter with my money.. I don't see this as breaking me (I'll have enough left over.. I figure.. but then.. is it enough for whatever God wants me to do with it?..or is it provided for this specific purpose now?.. one main reason I wanted to get a bass is so I can have another way of worship... my voice alone just don't cut it in my books) part of the reason I've got this money (and spending it) is so I can hopefully help my friend realize she's a good-looking young woman, value herself, and to help her break out of the rut I see she's in? She's got dreams.. but.. for whatever reason.. can't go after them.
...for myself.. I know I couldn't go after something unless I thought it was worth it AND that I could actually do it.. and some of that is self-image. Not esteem.. who needs that junk?.. but image. How do I see myself?.. fairly worthless, actually. So I don't do much. ...but worthless, yet redeemed because of Christ's sacrifice and gift.. so I can do all things through Him who saved me..and I can now do things I've never even dreamt of. ...Okay.. so let's give this thing(whatever it is) a shot and see what happens.

While I have a few theories as to why I perpetually feel bad about buying anything for myself.. None of them seem to quite pinpoint the source. ...weird... I could drop a couple grand on a friend..and not bat a lash.. but 100$ for 4 or 5 pairs of jeans and I can't justify it.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I (didn't) told you so??

... Yay.
It never rains but it pours.
Well.. it doesn't pour.. it monsoons.
Feast or famine.. what, no snacking here or there???

So with all the wonderful things going on lately.. (a bit of sexual harassment at school, friend's relatives dying, infants being sickly, people being laid up with back problems, some getting married, others getting divorced)... turns out my mom is getting divorced.
..Now.. my parents have been divorced for over a decade now.. both remarried.
Good for them.
I get an email from my mom, and at the bottom is `I have something I need to tell you`.
Those words alone `need to tell you`.. are as bad to men as `we need to talk` ...starting to think that anything with `need to` in it should be banned from linguistics altogether.

Now.. I'm an ass. I mean I am a Class-A dink. From what I know of things that have transpired in the past, the reverse is happening here..and I made a comment about that. Yeh.. tact I have.. it stays in an airtight container for emergency use only.. and apparently I forgot what shelf I left it on.

So... yay. More misery during the month of happiness and wonder. ...Y'all can send me a christmas card to the Kingston pen. ...When I met this guy, the only thing I said to him was `make my mom cry, and I'll kill you &^$@ing dead.` when I hear he wants a divorce, doesn't love her anymore and hasn't been happy for a long time now.. I asked her one thing.
"Did you cry?"
"That's all I need to know"

Yes people.. I am one of those looney psychotics that.. well.. I try to be a man of my word.
SO... I now have to go over my plot-book of where I put bodies and figure out whose place this guy can occupy.

.... but that's just me venting in my anger.

The sad thing is.. many times have we seen someone we care about in a relationship we know in out gut is bad... and don't say anything because we figure they wouldn't listen anyhow?

See.. my mom wouldn't marry someone who's not a christian. And this dude ain't. He finds this out..and jumps on the biblical-bandwagon. My red-alert goes off... but hey, it ain't my life. Besides.. when you love someone.. does reason and rationale really have a place? (well, yes..but they need to be amplified to be heard)
So... this occurance only solidifies what I've been thinking for a few years now.
And this ain't one of them things where saying to the person `I told you this was a bad idea!` has any kind of comforting smugness or any of that assinine crap that goes with it at all.

It's reassuring that she has some kind of support from close-by friends... but it doesn't change the fact that I want to bury this dude. ... my mom and I never had a real good relationship.. but she's my mom..and you don't mess with my family unless you want to meet your maker ahead of schedule.
...but then, that'd be playing God myself.. and that's not a wise thing to do.
So.. praying.. and as useless as that feels... well, I know I can't trust my feelings.
Prayer ain't useless, even when it seems like it is.
And I told me so.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Right around the corner waiting to smack you in the nose with a soaking-wet, hand-knitted mitten. You know the kind.. the kind that gain about 20 pounds of weight when wet, and hit anything like a brick.

I got thinking.. about the word holidays. And in my head it makes sense that the term comes from holy-days.. days of setting one's self apart for righteousness and holiness and being better than human.

People love this time of year.. save the snow and the cold.. well, sure, they love the snow.. when they're not driving in it, shovelling it, or otherwise doing anything but recreational/fun things in it. Can't blame'em. Wonder where my sense of that child-like joy for things went.. knowing me, it probably wandered off somewhere, and is waiting patiently under some kind of rockslide to be rescued... I miss that somedays... the wonderlust of new things and that irrepressible thing kids have... anymore, I sigh and wonder what this is going to cost me, and I ain't talking just money, folks.

To the best of my knowledge.. it's Christmas time (with valentine's being an almost-close second) that the suicide rates spike dramatically.
And no wonder, to me, anyhow... with all the forced cheer and dreckish weather and everybody clamouring for things for their families in a stupid frenzy... I mean seriously... what the hell people?!?! 20 years ago you didn't hear about some poor employee being TRAMPLED TO DEATH by frickin ignorant greedy gobs of human stupidity just to do some christmas shopping!!! ..What the hell kind of world has this become that people ignore (and let's face it.. you're ignoring the poor kid you're crushing.. because we're all aware when we step in something.. slush, gum, gravel, whatever.. a HUMAN BEING is a lot bigger and noticeable than those things!!) ...that people ignore basic behaviour and as a mob kill someone?
"Mob rule"... "mob mentality"... BS excuses if you ask me.
That's about as useful to defend your greedy choices and actions as saying it's okay to rape someone because you're horny, really really horny.

...Have there been any charges?.. not from the news articles I've read.. just grumbles at the company for not giving the deceased `proper crowd control lessons`.
Excuse me?
How about giving those people some `proper human-behaviour lessons` ??.. like.. let someone go ahead of you... don't knock people down, and HEY.. it's only crap.. it'll be in a landfill in 15 years(probably), so don't make it a priority!!

But.. such is the way of the world..
How badly I want out of this place... BUT.. not until I'm done whatever I'm supposed to do, and am allowed to go home will I leave.

I tend to loathe holiday-times... never been one for shopping or malls or crowds or for that matter, people. And these times of year only exaggerate that and bring into close-proximity the savagery of what folks truly are underneath it all. I haven't `done` christmas for a few years now.. sure, I'll get stuff for my family if I can.. but I'm not a fan of it. The rush-rush from place to place, traffic snarles.... the essential humanity let loose... drives me bonkers.

I am of the opinion that we (as a society, and world) need more Holy Days...and less holidays.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Beauty of tragedy

It's funny.... well.. to me it's funny.. I find a lot of things funny that most folks wouldn't crack a smirk at. Helps that I'm twisted. ^_^

In my former class, I kep tabs with some folks.. and there's this kid (yes, if you're 21, you're still a kid) who is looking at divorce info online.. so I talk with him a bit..find out he's looking at divorcing his wife.

First.. I'm a bit floored this dude is 21(and for a bit of a while yet)... and second, why divorce, man?!

So we talk a little bit.
I'm not one to `share Christ` with someone in a situation where there's more thatn just them and I talking.. no, no open-air preacher here, not even close. So while I would have liked to talk with him more, and share some simple truths I know..other students trickling in gave me cause of prevention. Not that I won't be able to talk with this guy again, mind you.
We can always grab a falafel and chat ..huzzah for falafel!

Anyhow.. so I talk with this guy.. ask him some simple questions that cut through a lot of things and really just reveal where he's at..and how his heart is doing through all this. A little history and some listening really go a long way towards seeing potential solutions for temporary problems. Ask him if he loves her.. the answer is yes. So I tell him (and really ponder how often I need to take my own advice....) if he loves her.. fight for it. Make divorce the last option.. the option tha sits right behind growing old and dieing. And he comes back with a good question.. my answer to this question may not be the best.. but it's better than divorce, in my opinion.

~What do you do when you're tired of fighting, when you just don't want to fight anymore?~
...well.. you take a bit of `shore leave` from the war, rest up, and get back in there...

Doesn't help that there's someone else plying their part in this.. on campus no less. Could easily make things a lot worse if buddyboy is sincere in wanting to get things right and on-track with his wife.

Having always been a single man (except for when I'm told otherwise.. which always comes as a shock... yes ladies, I am that blind to things) could argue that I have no plausible grounds on which to offer this fella advice from.
Well, I stick with the bible and that `what God has brought together, let no one rend asunder` and that marriage is for life. Couple that with the fact that the best way to learn is from someone else's mistakes.. and I've learned from many (including my own)... I'd say I'm qualified to offer my opinion, if not some simple advice.

Now.. I'm of two minds on this.
One is.. fight for it. Fight with every last breath and fibre of opportunity in your being.. if you love her.. fight like it.

And the other is.. (and this applies more to me than to this guy).. if you love them.. give them what they want. If they want you to go..then go. If they want you to stay, stay.
There's a wonderful bit of dialogue from the movie `Law of Attraction` with Pierce Brosnan and Julie-Anne Moore... both being divorce-lawyers.. each working for the opposite-gendered couple of a fashion designer and rock/pop star.. they wind up thinking they're married after imbibing too much as a local festival and such..
And during the legal battle.. Pierce brings something up that was confidential ..and Julie-Anne Moore states she wants a divorce.
Pierce says he doesn't believe in divorce, and she gives him a look of acidic-daggery-misery.
~Oh, don't give me that look. Yes I'm a divorce attourney.. but it's just a job. I don't believe in divorce.. I believe in love. And I believe that if you love someone, you give them what they want. if you want a divorce... I'll give it to you.~

Dayum, maaaaaannn.... but then.. love sacrifices its'self on every reef and rock and shaol in the waters so that the one who is loved might stay afloat and not drown, no??

So keep fighting... Give'em what they want.. what they tell you they want ('cause we ain't none of us at all mind-readers)... but fight for it.

And that's the beauty of tragedy.. it brings out in shining example a true side of ourselves.

In any tragedy.. we either find ourselves.. or we find ourselves lacking.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Tin Man


Let us see...
When I first moved to this city back in '98, I cultivated for myself a ... way of being.. that was to the point where I could walk down the street and not be hassled by hookers or dealers.. and even police would shove aside from my path as I strode past.
I could walk by the homeless, the punks, the preppies the drunkards and the business folk and be moved only to aggrevation because they were in the way.

Time flies by.

Wind up at a church.. and part of a skit on `how to get to God`.. mimicking The Wizard of Oz... and I was playing the Tin Man.
Very suitable.
So easy to turn a cold shoulder and withering glare at anyone or thing back then.. to for all forms and purposes, turn off my emotions and just go stonewall-cold.

The Tin Man wanted a heart from the Wizard. So be able to feel and love and care and be tender and all those wonderful things.... that we usually don't associate with men to begin with.

And those things don't exist in me ...well....not so much anymore.

Some of the old things keep coming back, with renewed vigor and life...hatred, anger, resentment and things of that nature... always been there, burning through the engine, driving me forward, step by step on my long journey.
At one point.. love snuck in there.. it got put on a shelf with someone else, and they both were walked away from.

Lately.. there's been things I've been praying about.. like compassion.
Thing about prayer.. pray for patience, and be given time-crunching situations that will test your you can use it, practice patience and strengthen that thing..
Compassion is.. ... such a thing against my nature.
What fights against compassion?.. anger.. pride, self-righteousness.. above those.. being critical.
And I can pinpoint problems a mile away... how to fix them?.. not always so prevalent.. but if you can spot a problem, you can usually(key word) find a solution for it.

It struck me on the way to college the other day that.. WOW.. I'm being really critical and hypocritical and just plain out and out not very compassionate and I've been praying for compassion and.. awwwwwww nuts!! Missed opportunities to actually be compassionate.
I'm sure more will be coming along.. maybe I can scuttle out from under the armour for a short enough time to do the compassionate thing before going back into the bunker.
There are times I wish I could still just go all stonewall and cold to the world around me.

SO.. the next time I find myself slipping back into old habits and ways of thinking.. hopefully I'll be quicker on the draw in realizing what's going on and nip it in the bud.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

...with practice..

Yep, they say that everything gets easier with practice.

Bible says to pray for those who persecute you, pray for your enemies. Bless them as you can, and in doing so, it will be like heaping burning coals upon their heads.

.... I suppose.... but that's only if they know you're praying for them, I figure. What about them folks who have no idea you're praying for them?
There are a few people I now consider to be my enemies. ... part of me hopes something real bad happens to them so that I can laugh.. 'cause I keep remembering the passage of.. ...I can't remember who, but essentially, Israel is being harassed and massacred by this one group...and these others guy, instead of helping, are laughing at them, because their punishment is fitting for their crimes... how often do we smile or grin and relish when someone gets their comeuppance? ...well, God turned away His wrath from Israel because these guys where laughing at them and not helping them instead.
So I'm hoping me laughing at these people when their self-wrought calamity finally strikes will deter their deserved problems from completely consuming them.
And on the other hand.. I'm also praying for them.. trying to do so with a clear conscience, which is hard when you really just want to slap them upside the head...and have to literally bite your tongue around them. (or just leave the room)

And why don't I just clear the air with these people?... Tried that. Everytime I tried to clarify things, put a solution to problems.. they wouldn't hear it. Nothing I say or do is taken the way it's intended, and frankly, I've given up on these people. For now, the best thing is to simply avoid them until my pissed-off-edness winds down to a more easily manageable level. And that could take a long time.. 'cause I like to get things dealt with sooner rather than later, but if someone doesn't want to hear what you say, and misconstrues what you DO when say when they listen... what can you do? (bury'em 8 feet deep, I know...but that's a temporary solution to a long-running irritation)

SO... pray for them. And try not to give a rat's ass about the rest of it.
And that ain't easy.
Praying for someone is like loving someone... you're putting them ahead of yourself.
And that's a hard choice to make when what you really want is to drop them off a cliff. A big cliff. A big cliff over some sharp and pointy rocks. A big cliff over sharp and pointy rocks that lead out to sea, even. .....given that where I am has cliff with rock, and large body of water, but not combined, I'll have to find something else to do. (hey, do it right, or don't do it at all, right??)

Practice makes perfect....
so.. keep practicing praying for these folks... and much as I hate sucking at things.. nobody is ever great at something right off the bat.. not even savants.. they still gotta learn HOW to do something before their natural gifts kick in for it.

practice practice practice...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Some things never change alive.
Okay.. I've been known to get loud, cuss out my tv and get riled up when playing video games. Especially when being sniped, ganked, cheap-shotted and wall-clitched by people.
.... and that's one thing. Understandable by some, untolerable by others, and just basically ignored by yet-more-others.

But there's just something about playing online and dealing with people being stupid by choice or habit.
Getting stoned and playing warcraft, for example (too many kids boast of this)... being drunk and playing (I'm guilty of that at least once.. funny at the time.. don't think I've ever laughed so much at eating someone's shotgun before)... but the thing that just completely ruins when the racist epithets come out.

Now, I'm not one for being politically correct.... so where do I draw my limits?.. mostly at what's offensive to me. And ignorance.. willfull ignorance no less.. really just gets my ire up. I mean come on kid.. use something else.. there's plenty of swearwords available... In this age of `enlightened acceptance`... where does all this love and peace and hippy-beatnik-ness exist, really? Aren't we supposed to just hug and love each other, ignore our differences and sing kum-bye-yah while holding hands in a global-circle?? Stereotype aside.. seriously.. we see ads on tv, hear them on the radio... and what do we experience in the world?... the opposite.

Granted.. everybody is racist to a certain degree, on some level. But where does that ingrained, in-born thing end and the choice to hate someone and be derogatory to them begin because of their skin colour or heritage??

And to go on and on about this crap... over... what?
Being knifed from behind because you're too careless to watch your 6?
Having someone camped out snipe you in the teeth and knock you off your pedastel?
It's a game.. but when the racist cracks start coming out.. it's no longer a game.

Makes me wonder if all those bleeding hearts screaming for equality and justice and tolerance play video games....
I for one.. can't stand it anymore. It's to the point I just stop playing games that have these people in them... and yet, if that were all it took to end it... I'd think it'd be done by now.. except we all know that these things never go away.. they just crawl under the carpet for a while, like some dirty secret, until it can come out to bite you in the face again.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Yeah... don't know why I bother, most days.
Every time I try to do something nice for someone I have even the slightest of carings-about, it blows up in my face.
And yet, if I don't know you or care about you, I can do wonderful things and it never blows up in my face. ..maybe that's because I'm not around long enough for the explosion to catch me?..heheh. nuts.

Either way.. with information I have.. and a couple of good hunches, I make an offer.
It's going to suck if my info is wrong, because that'll make doing these things harder.. doable, but harder. My hunches however.. they're usually bang-on not worried about that. It's the making it happen if the replies come back in the affirmative.. which I'm not expecting them to, but every so rarely, am I surprised with how people respond to things.

The only good news about this entire thing is that God works miraculously stupendous things for no other reason sometimes (at least, no other reason I can fathom) than just because He's awesome... and of course, how else can certain things come about if not for a miracle?

Either way.. time will tell what happens. Here's hoping for the best.. prepping for the worst.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Just Knowing

`I just knew.`. ....How I loathe that answer. Especially when I use it. It doesn't explain anything, and often sounds like, well, a cop-out to avoid explaining something.
The most often use of this phrase I've found is when peope are so madly in love with each other you want to kick them in the knee to counteract the cavities you're incurring simply by breathing the same air.

Problem with that is... (aside from the lawsuits of kicking people who are so damned sappy `in love` with each other) ...there are a lot of things I `just know`. And there's no sane, rational explanation for any of it, other than.. well, I know what I know.

There are people I meet, and while I don't -have- to talk with them to know things, it's usually best I've found to actually talk to them.. mostly on account of that it either confirms or dissuages whatever impression I've already got. Most folks don't like it when you say something that cuts through all the crap and pinpoints an issue that's crippling (or about to cripple) them. And I'm the kind of guy that.. I can't just sit around and let you do something that's going to further your own personal destruction, taint your soul and hurt those who care about you. So I typically open my big mouth, and cause issues and such...
I figure.. if you know, you can do something about it. If no one will tell you about the things they see and are evident in your life, then they're no better than someone who's willing to disease you and let you rot.
Your friends.. they stab you in the front. They hand you a scalpel to cut out the cancer. They stand by with antiseptic and bandages as neccessary. And they don't let you wander about with cancer or gangrene, infecting others and wounding those around you who care about you.

And if someone can look at you..and just know you've got issues (we've all got issues, don't get me wrong) and there are things so blatant in your life.. it's time to suck it up, get patched up, and move on, instead of flailing about in your own mess. And some folks can Just Know. Doesn't make it any easier.

This leads into `The One`. Just Knowing and The One. Pisses me off, I tell you what. It's not something you hear in everyday chat amongst people... but talk to married people.. most of them, anyhow.. and one (if not both) will have that `oh, I knew he/she/it was The One`...wether it's the 4th month of casually hanging out, 2nd date, the first 10 minutes of meeting them, or just right from the moment their eyes met... far too many people have this `I just knew he/she/it was The One.`

A few days back, I had this idea in my head that someone I spent a number of years knowing, loving, and wanting the best of life for... was married.
So after a few days of letting this roll around in my head...I fire off an email to see if how accurate this thought is.
...Well.. she's not married. But is going to be next year.
She's met this guy..and JUST KNEW HE'S THE ONE. And then fell in love with him.
Wonderful. Trying to be happy for her.. which is hard.. because...she's `the one` for me.
Or so I thought. Put more than a few years in.. prayed through it all, `fleecing` I think is the term folks use.. basically, wanting to make sure this is the right thing, not doing the wrong thing.. and everything always came back in the positive. Go read.. what is it?.. Judges? the thing with Gideon.
Ever whine to God?... I do. Usually about a wife. Being the lone-single amongst my friends.. it gets tedious being a 5th Wheel all the time. And every time I'd whine at God about this... here's this girl again. Over that near-decade, we'd had an on-again-off-again relationship of friends-but-more-than-friends-but-not-more-than-friends.. confused yet?
So, I whine at God about hating being single.. we get back in touch.. and thigns resume their course.
Only now.. she's getting married. ....hello, uncharted territory. Her having a boyfriend or other interest is nothing new.. been there a number of times, and I've always remained. But marriage.. that's above and beyond dating someone. That's some serious planning, plotting, and future-dreaming. And I have to do what I can to not interfere with this. Be supportive.

She loves this guy..and she `just knew`.
....I love her.. and always figured.. just knew - as it were, that we'd end up together.
But what is love? (baby don't hurt me... don't hurt me... no more - bonus points if you get that reference)
Love is always a choice. Much easier to make that choice when you've got the emotional rush to help fuel your actions and decisions. And if you love someone.. you try to give them what they tell you they want. And sometimes, they don't have to tell you anything.. you can just see it in their eyes, hear it in their voice... and if you know that person.. then you'll just let them go.

And that's a hard damn thing to do.. letting the one you've loved for almost a decade go..and be with someone else. Even harder to pray for her wedding, that things go smooth, and they'll be happy and healthy and all that stuff, the good stuff of marriage, that the bad stuff would be smoothed over and worked through with kindness and compassion... and all those things that you can't do for her.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Down with the sickness

To quote Charlie Brown

... I'm sick!
For the first time in over a year, I'm sick. I rarely get sick. I get sick about as often as I get headaches.. and I've had a headache since I got sick.. go figure.
Sure, I have allergies that come and go, but that's not being sick.
Sick... sucks!
Especially when it starts off as a sore throat, and the next day is hacking out the rainbow-of-lungbutter in the shower. (Something about the moist air, and the hot water on the back...mmmmmmmsoothing)

Well.. I've been wanting some this is a perfect excuse for it.
Funny, how sometimes the things we want, we never really get.
I've wanted a few days of nothing but time to myself for a few weeks now..and everytime I started to get it.. I'd get bored, and call up a buddy and go hang out.
Well.. now it's time to just .. take time. Be alone, be still... recuperate somewhat.

The Lord knows I've got too much time to think to begin with, what with looking for work that can be scheduled around school, and school, that ends at noon, with very little homework. WAYYYYYYY too much time to think about things. But that's not why I want solitude.

See.. I don't like people. I know what people are. What every single person is capable of.. the evil that seethes and bleeds within our hearts and souls.. but that's not why I don't like people. ..I'm just more comfortable by myself. I can handle social settings and such.. but the smaller groupings the better.
And sometimes, when I'm around people too much.. I have to get away. Find solace in solitude and just.. be renewed.

Another thing is.. dreams.
I don't dream, not normally. I close my eyes.. time passes, and I open them again.
But every so often, I have a dream. I remember all my dreams.. not all OF my dreams, but all my dreams.. that is to say : I remember having them, but not every aspect of them.
And lately.. I've been having some odd dreams about things I've been praying about.
Freaky. And not in a bad way, but also not a good way. Just that rare mellow freaky.. makes you go `woah.. freaky.. okay, now where'd I put the butter for my toast?`
So maybe.. sick aside, solitude can garner me something more than simple recuperation and time to myself : Focus.

Have you ever tried to pick out the strains of a harpsichord while the orchestra plays along.. in the middle of morning-rush-traffic with the windows down, while the kids scream from the backseat and the guy who's keeping pace next to your car is cranking his own noise??...
Sometimes I think that's what life is really life.. when we lose our focus.

So on that note, I'm going to down some drugs(not that kind, I don't do that.. when I mention `drugs` I mean either prescription or over-the-counter) and hit the sack.. and see what I can do about refocusing.

Monday, November 3, 2008

The Hard Things

It's been said that the only reason anyone changes, is because they either WANT to.. or they HAVE to(usually, or else they'll die).

Well, I -need- to. Not because I have to.. I can continue on my way and not die.. and I kind of don't want to, either.. because change means.. new things. And I enjoy my unstable routines of tedium to a certain degree.

They come.. usually when we're not looking.
Sometimes we seek them out. As I am doing at the moment.

One of these changes.. is trying to live by the moral standards in my life.
And that ain't easy! We'd all agree that killing someone is bad. Sleeping around is stupid. Doing drugs and getting liquored up can be quite detrimental.
But what about lying? Nobody likes to lied to. But we all lie.
A friend and I were once having a conversation, during which I complained that I can lie to people, and they'll eat it up by the shovel-full..but when I tell someone the blatant truth, they look at me like I'm full of it.
We went out a few days later, grabbed some pizza. Now, this friend is black(african-american, if you want to be PC... african-canadian if you want to be Macintosh)..and while we're eating our pizza... I stop eating, and just stare at her eyes.
Eventually she stops chewing and looks at me..and asks `what?`.
Staring her full in the eyes, I say `Nothing.. it's just that you have the bluest eyes I have ever seen.` ... she almost blushes, stammers a `aww, that's so swee...WAIT A MINUTE`.
Point proven.

How about stealing?
We tend to be quite protective of our junk. Territorial. Even the most generous of us, doesn't like it when someone mistreats our gear, or takes our stuff.
And there's the rub.

I have recently been bombarded with Assaults of Conscience.
See.. I love music. If music were a woman.. yeh.. let's not go there.
And, I've got a collection on my laptop. Well, had.
A lot of it was stuff I'd hear on the radio, or from a streaming radio station, and go `hey, that sounds good.` and go download it.
Justifying that I've owned the cd/tape/8track/record (feeling old now) at one point in my life was no longer working as a valid defense. Have to get rid of it.

My conscience will no longer let me live with stolen music.
I tried hashing this out in prayer.
I mean.. c'mon, God... I've had entire music libraries stolen.. bought and purchased cd's.. stolen by hoodlums. Rotten %^$!@tards even used my pillow cases to cart everything away in!
And I'm no better than they are.. while I didn't use the artist's pillow cases.. I still stole their works. Doesn't matter if I owned it at one point in time or another.. I had it.. I enjoyed it.. it's gone now. If I really want it.. go buy it again.

But.. but what about stuff that isn't available anymore? Stuff that's been discontinued or been recalled and destroyed and such?
No answer on that. ....better to err on the side of caution, I think.

Okay.. music is fine.. but what about movies and such? I'm aware that while you can't record tv shows in Canada.. the thing for downloading them is not ironclad yet (though, I haven't been keeping up to date on that...if I'm wrong, tell me) ...and while I don't watch much tv, I'll download a few episodes of some shows.. watch'em and delete them when I'm done watching them. ....So where does the line get drawn?

The line gets I've learned.. with ..what.. 1st Corinthians 12?
Basically.. it says something like `I have freedom to do things. But not everything is good for me. And while I have this freedom, I won't be a slave to this liberty.`
Slave to freedom??... Wow. Hard to think on... but try and tell someone who lives in the north-west hemisphere that they can't do something.. like.. oh.. walk across the street (jaywalking, which is still illegal)..and you've tied their knickers in a twist! But tell them they can't cross the train-tracks while a locomotive is zooming by, and they won't bat a lash.

Is it good for me?
Does it hurt others?
Does it honour God?

Those are some of the changes I'm trying to implement.. to live that.
If it's not good for me - physically, mentally, spiritually... if it will hurt someone else.. and if it dishonours God, then I don't want to do those things.

And so.. small steps..
Goodbye music I haven't bought.
While the beats will be missed, knowing I've done the right thing is a better groove.