Let us see...
When I first moved to this city back in '98, I cultivated for myself a ... way of being.. that was to the point where I could walk down the street and not be hassled by hookers or dealers.. and even police would shove aside from my path as I strode past.
I could walk by the homeless, the punks, the preppies the drunkards and the business folk and be moved only to aggrevation because they were in the way.
Time flies by.
Wind up at a church.. and part of a skit on `how to get to God`.. mimicking The Wizard of Oz... and I was playing the Tin Man.
So easy to turn a cold shoulder and withering glare at anyone or thing back then.. to for all forms and purposes, turn off my emotions and just go stonewall-cold.
The Tin Man wanted a heart from the Wizard. So be able to feel and love and care and be tender and all those wonderful things.... that we usually don't associate with men to begin with.
And those things don't exist in me ...well....not so much anymore.
Some of the old things keep coming back, with renewed vigor and life...hatred, anger, resentment and things of that nature... always been there, burning through the engine, driving me forward, step by step on my long journey.
At one point.. love snuck in there.. it got put on a shelf with someone else, and they both were walked away from.
Lately.. there's been things I've been praying about.. like compassion.
Thing about prayer.. pray for patience, and be given time-crunching situations that will test your patience..so you can use it, practice patience and strengthen that thing..
Compassion is.. ... such a thing against my nature.
What fights against compassion?.. anger.. pride, self-righteousness.. above those.. being critical.
And I can pinpoint problems a mile away... how to fix them?.. not always so prevalent.. but if you can spot a problem, you can usually(key word) find a solution for it.
It struck me on the way to college the other day that.. WOW.. I'm being really critical and hypocritical and just plain out and out not very compassionate and I've been praying for compassion and.. awwwwwww nuts!! Missed opportunities to actually be compassionate.
I'm sure more will be coming along.. maybe I can scuttle out from under the armour for a short enough time to do the compassionate thing before going back into the bunker.
There are times I wish I could still just go all stonewall and cold to the world around me.
SO.. the next time I find myself slipping back into old habits and ways of thinking.. hopefully I'll be quicker on the draw in realizing what's going on and nip it in the bud.