Saturday, November 15, 2008

Just Knowing

`I just knew.`. ....How I loathe that answer. Especially when I use it. It doesn't explain anything, and often sounds like, well, a cop-out to avoid explaining something.
The most often use of this phrase I've found is when peope are so madly in love with each other you want to kick them in the knee to counteract the cavities you're incurring simply by breathing the same air.

Problem with that is... (aside from the lawsuits of kicking people who are so damned sappy `in love` with each other) ...there are a lot of things I `just know`. And there's no sane, rational explanation for any of it, other than.. well, I know what I know.

There are people I meet, and while I don't -have- to talk with them to know things, it's usually best I've found to actually talk to them.. mostly on account of that it either confirms or dissuages whatever impression I've already got. Most folks don't like it when you say something that cuts through all the crap and pinpoints an issue that's crippling (or about to cripple) them. And I'm the kind of guy that.. I can't just sit around and let you do something that's going to further your own personal destruction, taint your soul and hurt those who care about you. So I typically open my big mouth, and cause issues and such...
I figure.. if you know, you can do something about it. If no one will tell you about the things they see and are evident in your life, then they're no better than someone who's willing to disease you and let you rot.
Your friends.. they stab you in the front. They hand you a scalpel to cut out the cancer. They stand by with antiseptic and bandages as neccessary. And they don't let you wander about with cancer or gangrene, infecting others and wounding those around you who care about you.

And if someone can look at you..and just know you've got issues (we've all got issues, don't get me wrong) and there are things so blatant in your life.. it's time to suck it up, get patched up, and move on, instead of flailing about in your own mess. And some folks can Just Know. Doesn't make it any easier.

This leads into `The One`. Just Knowing and The One. Pisses me off, I tell you what. It's not something you hear in everyday chat amongst people... but talk to married people.. most of them, anyhow.. and one (if not both) will have that `oh, I knew he/she/it was The One`...wether it's the 4th month of casually hanging out, 2nd date, the first 10 minutes of meeting them, or just right from the moment their eyes met... far too many people have this `I just knew he/she/it was The One.`

A few days back, I had this idea in my head that someone I spent a number of years knowing, loving, and wanting the best of life for... was married.
So after a few days of letting this roll around in my head...I fire off an email to see if how accurate this thought is.
...Well.. she's not married. But is going to be next year.
She's met this guy..and JUST KNEW HE'S THE ONE. And then fell in love with him.
Wonderful. Trying to be happy for her.. which is hard.. because...she's `the one` for me.
Or so I thought. Put more than a few years in.. prayed through it all, `fleecing` I think is the term folks use.. basically, wanting to make sure this is the right thing, not doing the wrong thing.. and everything always came back in the positive. Go read.. what is it?.. Judges? the thing with Gideon.
Ever whine to God?... I do. Usually about a wife. Being the lone-single amongst my friends.. it gets tedious being a 5th Wheel all the time. And every time I'd whine at God about this... here's this girl again. Over that near-decade, we'd had an on-again-off-again relationship of friends-but-more-than-friends-but-not-more-than-friends.. confused yet?
So, I whine at God about hating being single.. we get back in touch.. and thigns resume their course.
Only now.. she's getting married. ....hello, uncharted territory. Her having a boyfriend or other interest is nothing new.. been there a number of times, and I've always remained. But marriage.. that's above and beyond dating someone. That's some serious planning, plotting, and future-dreaming. And I have to do what I can to not interfere with this. Be supportive.

She loves this guy..and she `just knew`.
....I love her.. and always figured.. just knew - as it were, that we'd end up together.
But what is love? (baby don't hurt me... don't hurt me... no more - bonus points if you get that reference)
Love is always a choice. Much easier to make that choice when you've got the emotional rush to help fuel your actions and decisions. And if you love someone.. you try to give them what they tell you they want. And sometimes, they don't have to tell you anything.. you can just see it in their eyes, hear it in their voice... and if you know that person.. then you'll just let them go.

And that's a hard damn thing to do.. letting the one you've loved for almost a decade go..and be with someone else. Even harder to pray for her wedding, that things go smooth, and they'll be happy and healthy and all that stuff, the good stuff of marriage, that the bad stuff would be smoothed over and worked through with kindness and compassion... and all those things that you can't do for her.

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