Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Still Waiting

So here it is, almost the middle of August..and only 1 more nibble from the last post.
A total of 3 prospective job offers in 5 months of searching.
1 was misleading, and out of my abilities to do, and the other 2.. well, if I was married, there'd be no problem. How's that for discrimination? Hmph.

I don't even have a direction to apply to anymore.. any job that I figure I could actually do has been open-game, and it's not kept just to the city-of-dwelling.. I'm open to moving.
Catch-22 though, moving requires money. A job begets money. But what if moving begets the job?

Could be worse.
I suppose.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Waiting on whatever

So.. as life goes, it's time to GTFO and get moving again.

Unemployed, looking for work.. looking for new digs.. looking for.. anything: that will pay bills, and is tolerable, and I can physically/mentally do. Any other kind of work is only a stop-gap bandaid on a severed limb - completely useless.

People keep telling me `oh, just wait on God.. trust God, rely on God's provision`..
Empty words with the smallest of sympathy behind them.
As if I don't rely on God for most any/everything to begin with.
How do you ACTIVELY `trust God` ??.. I suppose I could wander the streets until I got some iggidy-giggidy feeling and max my credit card on an apartment or something.. but that doesn't take care of employment.. and isn't exactly being a `good and faithful` steward of what I've been given, now is it?

In the last 4 & 1/2 months of more-actively looking for work (the last 3 months of school employment seeking was enhanced, and since then, it's what I do now)..and I've gotten 2 nibbles.
One turned into.. nothing.. the second interview never happened, and my phone calls were not returned.
Another was a mass-interview (roughly 30 people) for a job I didn't apply for..and can't make a living at. The job I applied for, they are still advertising in the paper, and I wonder how many other people are going in on the company's bait&switch employment tactic.

Regardless.. here I am.. like many people.. looking for sustainable, reliable employment..
and getting more frustrated with each unproductive day that passes.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Weird. Odd. ...Funny?

I am a gambling man.
In the fun kind of way. Various friends and I place bets, usually open-ended and fairly harmless and all in good fun. Usually dealing with the outcome of some game.

And so I finally collected (after a few weeks of putting it off) on one. I have a deal with a friend of mine - I've told her (and here's where sticking to your word can bite you in the butt) that if she buys it, I'll wear it. This all started as a bit of a discussion as to why she doesn't wear dresses..and in the ensuing arguement, it was asked why I don't wear dresses. ('cause I refuse to shave my legs?) To whit, `Hey, if you buy it, I'll wear it.` Lately, this has given way to some potentially embarassing things...which, thankfully, she has not spent her hard-earned money on.

Now.. this is where I got myself into trouble : my friend isn't girly-girl at all. So for christmas, as a gag, I got her some really girly stuff. ..and she wore them. And yes, she looks absolutely amazing in it. There was retaliatory threats of clothing-orientation. ....but no follow-through. Yet.

Sometime this week, we're going shopping. Probably after a couple of pints.
Maybe I'm paranoid. But I keep expecting her to spring this evil on me at some point.
The evil of gag-oriented clothing & objects.
Things designed to make you bright red and hope to crawl into a tiny hole somewhere away from people.

We'll see what the weekend brings.

Monday, June 29, 2009


What with Canada Day looming near (wednesday, July 1st), I thought I'd write a lil about patriotism.

Canada, Australia, and the U.S. all have 1 thing in common - we're offshoots from people leaving (wether they wanted to or not is debatable) England.
We all speak some form of english. We all (we, the countries) welcome people from other countries with relatively open arms.

A few decades ago.. the US was considered a `melting pot`.. didn't matter where you came from.. you become an American citizen, learn the language, the ways, take pride in your new home and Be American.
Canada.. well.. wasn't quite the melting-pot, but come from where ever you came from.. and.. uh.. hey, if it ain't too much trouble.. could you, I dunno.. maybe fit in? But if you raise a ruckus, we'll leave you alone. Just.. I dunno.. love hockey, beer and pancakes smothered in maple syrup, eh?
...As for Australia.. I don't know. Never lived there.

Multiculturalism killed Rome, Greece, Babylon.. all the ancient great civilizations. They started like the 1950's U.S./Canada and ended up like 2009 U.S./Canada before basically imploding on themselves.
Where does patriotism belong in a multicultural society?..from what I can tell, it doesn't.
Patriotism is a fierce pride in one's home country, wether that's the country of their birth or chosen home.
The U.S. is considered `arrogant, stupid and rude` by the masses.. and yet, people still flock there, year after year, for a `better life` and a chance for `the American Dream`.
And what about Canada? People come here for.. well.. we're supposed to be friendly, and a safe country to be in... sure. We're supposed to be. But what is Canadian? What to be proud of?
Celine Dion? Shania Twain? Jim Carrey? John Candy, Rick Moranis, RUSH, Mike Meyers or Dan Aykroyd?...
sure, why not...

But no.. I'm proud to live in a country that flipflops over in-country citizens flaunting aggressive-violent reiligions as a defense of being `racially targetted` and crying that their `human rights` were violated by being allowed to live in this country and be subject to its laws.
I am proud to live in a country with a horribly underfunded and yet still above-par military that, while mocked and ridiculed by its own, is saluted and honoured across the world.
I am proud to live in a country that tries to ensure everyone within its borders can have access to some kind of health care.

More so.. I am proud to live in a country that while having very few `national identity` identifiers, has people from all over the world that come to it, and try to fit in..and are thankful, unlike so many of us.. to live in a country where they are free to persue financial gain, religious freedom, and a life of peace and contentment.

The owner of The Mandarin restaurants is giving a free buffet meal to the people who can prove their citizenship... and to me, that is one of the highest accolades a businessman can offer their country of residence - a thankfulness, a celebration of the nation's day, that they aren't seeking to make a profit, but to share their joy in being in that country with their fellow citizens.

Patriotism... putting aside personal wants and gains to share with others in the joy of belonging to a country you have made as your own... that country's flag planted firmly in your heart.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Head west, young man!

I don't recall when I initially heard that phrase.. but it's been tossed around lately, and the last couple of years, by anyone I know(well, almost anyone), whenever talk turns to `what am I gonna do when I grow up?`...or plans for the future, natch - the lack thereof.

Head west.. used for pioneers and such ...in western times.. gold rush, and all that jazz.
Basically.. search yourself, look hard into and through your soul.. find what you want to do, run hard after it and see what you can do with it.

So why is it.. that more and more.. I'm meeting people who've put 30 years into a business..or had a medical practice for a few decades..and then turn around, and find more joy and enjoyment doing plumbing, or just getting down to the dirt and working on farms?

I don't get it.
But what I -do- get is.. I'm done school.(been done for a lil while now).. I graduated in something I didn't initially go for..and certainly don't want to be doing all my life - not because I don't like it or can't do it, I don't mind it and can certainly do it with relative ease.. but it's just not `me`..
And yet those things that I figure would be `me` ??... I've no idea how to properly parlay them into viable income.

Eventually.. if you keep heading west, you'll hit the horizon and get burned on the sun that's setting.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Time flies by

So here I sit.. a few days after I was going to post something.. WOW time flies by when you're paying attention.. even quicker when you're not!

Sunburned - badly enough I don't want to go to sleep..or sit here and type, for that matter,
tired, sore, and ...wondering if I'm hungry or thirsty.. so I'll drink and see what that does.
(water, never you mind)

Friend of mine took me golfing today.. didn't keep score(for me) on the front 9..did ont he back 9.. played best-ball the whole way through. .. Learned why golfers wear gloves - I ripped (literally ripped) my finger open at the cuticle.. I noticed it was chafed and sore.. took one more drive and SONUVA%#!#^% (not a female dog, but an `unclean woman`.. read a dictionary, people!).. started bleeding pretty good there.
Lemme tell ya.. it's interesting to swing a golf club with any kind of decent-ability with a rag tied around your hand, encompassing a finger.
All in all, for a guy who doesn't play golf, tends to kinda hate the game(but it's beautiful scenery, and okay-exercise).. Shooting 22 over par for the back 9 on a best-ball round ain't too shabby. I figure that if we were playing strict-rules, I'd probably have shot about 140-150 for the entire round.
Go ahead, laugh it up.. but you gotta admit, that ain't bad for a guy who doesn't play the game, and swings more like Happy Gilmore than Arnold Palmer.

Single again for a little while now.. and, maybe it's my perception.. but it seems like certain folks are snubbing me. Heh, go figure. The best part is.. some of these people aren't even really `friends` of my newly-ex or myself.. at best, they're barely-comfortable-acquaintances.

One of my best friends is hoping on a child. As we drove after he told me.. we sat there for about 5 minutes of silence. 5 minutes is a LONG time to go with just road-noise. In my head, I'm thinking `You asshole! You should be happy for your friend, excited.. or something positive!`.. when, really.. I'm kind of sad. Another (potential) kid in this worthless world.
Jobs are becoming scarcer and harder to get, the population keeps expanding, buildings keep going up wiping out animal habitat and viable farmland - inevitably leading to animal attacks in city-areas and rising food prices due to a global lack of food(no farmland, no farms. No farms, no produce, or livestock.. steak don't grow on trees, and while apples do, no room for trees, means no apples)
So I gave him the whole `congratulations` thing.. and told him I should be excited for him, but I'm not. I don't think anyone should be havin kids. And people having children inside the last decade ought to be horse-whipped in a public square.. Why don't people THINK about what the future portends before going all shaggadonkey on each other?..right, because people are inherently dumb and fearful critters. Anyhow.

Out of school.. all that good.. had a job interview, went well.. asked to come back for a 2nd. ...Went back... no one was there. No secretary.. no nothing.
Not a good sign. No returns to my phonecalls.. nothing. REALLY not a good sign.

Interesting sermon in church today. It's all about the heart..
and I've caught myself wondering this at times.. Am I doing this so I can get something out of it, or am I doing this because, hey, it's the right thing to do (and hence, I'm a decent guy) or am I doing this because it's the right thing to do because my King would be pleased with it?
Yes, yes, yes and yes.. all answers, at different times for different things.
Obviously the last one is the important one.

Sometimes.. it seems like doing `the right thing` is such a waste of time.. especially if you're the only one who knows it's the right thing to do.. and it typically takes longer to do than a shortcut, or even doing the same basic thing, only quicker and not as meticulously thorough .. and it's inconvenient.
You pass up the golf balls you spot buried in the sand trap, the gorse, or the waste bunker.
You give the 20$ you find in the street to a charity or use it to buy a homeless person a meal(and let them keep the change).
You go over your grocery bill and notify the cashier you didn't get charged for something...

But it's the right thing to do.
So when's the last time you chose something inconvenient for you?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Close to the door

Well well well...

I've got 2 days left of classes, and then, I go from being in-debt and in-class, to simply being in-debt. Not much in the way of good-looking prospects as far as the area of study I've been in.. with specialized knowledge, a secretary doing less than half of the same job is being paid more than what, according to statistics, I should be looking at.

But that's according to what I see in the market.. and when the economy goes south, people(employers) tend to blame the people in charge of their books.
Bookkeeping isn't hard.. making it balance and making it make-sense and doing the financials.. that's something else. Doing it skillfully, accurately, and modifying it when neccessary(i.e., late submissions of claims or expenses), while keeping an even-keel.. is something to itself again.

It seems like more and more, employers demand more skills and abilities from their employees, while refusing to pay them for said skills, and offering a pittance for the work they do.

Is it any wonder people feel undervalued, taken advantage of, and like they're treated poorly?

Lucky for me, I tend to find places of employment where you're valued, or at least appreciated by fellow coworkers, if not customers.
And as close to being out of school as I am, there's got to be more than pittance-pay, living expenses and repaying this debt demand it more than pride and sense of self-worth.

Good to know there's One who has more than everything else, and He's out for my good.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Morbidity of Mortality

Nobody really likes to think about dying. One of the questions for testing to see if you're depressed is all about how often you think about death or dying.

Someone I know recently underwent a triple coronary bypass, open-heart surgery. They're fine now, more or less, recovering nicely, from what I'm told.
In discussing some of this, where one winds up after death, and so forth, some people got rather irate.
And I figure it has more to do with having to deal with the fact that they themselves aren't as young as they once were, and will inevitably die.. and most likely not at a time of their choosing, to boot.

So what is it about dying that gets people all down?
I mean.. seriously.. if you know where you're going, why get all funked-out about it?
As one man I know has said many times.. he wants his funeral to be a party, and the quote on his tombstone to read `What a ride!`
He knows where he's going, some folks I know -know- where they're going.. I know where I'm going.

Do you know where you're going?
..Better yet.. can you know beyond a doubt that that's where you're going?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Black sheep, or bleached wool?

Ever feel like you stick out like a sore thumb? Alone in a crowd? As if the people who are around you, though having the same very-basic things in common.. are either beneath you or above you?
How about ostracized, black-balled or purposely left-out?
Anything about just simply not fitting in with the people who make up the general populace of where you are?

I feel like that, a fair bit recently. I know I'm a `black sheep`.. I tell myself it's because I speak my mind..and don't tend to care about how you feel about what I say. (granted, I'm attemting more thought-induced responses instead of knee-jerk) There are a few things I cannot stand, and refuse to tolerate.. one of which is lies. Most everyone hates.. HATES to be lied to. Well, there are more ways to like to someone than by speaking.
And I find a lot of folks seem to put on their smiley face.. bleach their blackened wool to a faux-white and bleat their conversations out like good little sheeps.

Do you know what bleach does? Sure, it kills bacteria.. but it doesn't clean dirty things. It just burns the colour out of it. And eventually, it eats away at the cloth beneath, and will destroy the garment.
And as such.. when people put on the smiley face, and act like everything is okay, when it's not... that irritates me. To no end. Have we as a society become so self-focused and selfishly that people are afraid to openly admit their pain when it's plain to others. Especially amongst a group of people that are supposed to be more like a loving family than a dysfunctional psych-ward ?

So excuse me while I bleat under my breath and nibble my grass away from the rest of the flock of you fellow sheeps, but I can't stand the hypocrisy. If there's something bugging me, it's usually fairly evident. ...Now, I understand the need for privacy, and that some things you only share with certain specific individuals.. but come on.. if you're asked how you're doing, and it's miserable.. don't lie and say `fine`.. be honest, and let the person know you'd rather not discuss it.

How hard is that?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The importance of credentials

So.. apparently, having alphabet-soup after your name, or some specific-gibberish is supposed to make you more important, or at least, knowledgable in some respect. Usually somehow related to the alphabet-soup or gibberish after one's name.

Well, it seems I want to partake of this silly-fun. I'm going to wind up taking some certification tests for various programs that I've already taken, and will need to study up on to refresh my ailing memory. As it stands, I've already got a few credentials after my name.. little did I know. They haven't shown up in paper-form yet.. but I've earned them, and should proudly display them. And someday.. I will.

Suppose you suddenly have a sharp stabbing pain in your leg..and can't stand on that leg. Or put any weight on it, and it hurts like the dickens to move it. JoeSchmoe off the street tells you that you've broken your shin and need to get it set and splinted and put in a cast..
Okay.. sounds possible.. nice. Take it under advisement.
You go see JoeSchmoe, M.D. ...and suddenly.. whatever he tells you, must be right. He's got the alphabet soup after his name.. and uses bizarre terms like `fracture` and `hairline` and `owie` that, of course, only alphabet-soup people would understand.

Naturally, we assume doctors, lawyers and such `professionals` know what they're talking about. But what about those other alphabet-soup add-ons that we're not so certain of?
What if suddenly, you run into JoeSchmoe, Sr.V.P. of K.P. & J.D. ??.. Do we know what that means? ..Well, I do, because I made it up. This JoeSchmoe is the Crew-chief of a Clean-up crew.. the Senior Vice President of Kitchen Patrol & Janitorial Duties.
Wat about Joe Schmoe, B.Sc. Eng. N.Ph. & T.Dy's ?

Alphabet soup also seems to command a better dollar-amount per hour give up in exchange for labour. But is that the reason one should have it after their name?... Nooooooo... of course not.

So... until my paperwork comes through, and I take these other cert. tests.. I'll just use some Alpha-bits cereal on my resume`... and maybe some cheerios when negotiating a salary.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The get you coming, they get you going!

Okay.. I must be old.

Because I recall a time when, you paid for something.. you owned it. And there was no major pressure for a warranty, no fear that it would crap out after a year's use, and that more or less (depending on what you bought)..once you finished paying for it, it was done, no more paying for it. ..except for houses or cars, which require upkeep. But how much do you keep paying for a CD, or a pair of pants, or ..uhh.. a bag of apples??

And so.. Game companies have erred from the path of staying true to their audience, in my opinion. Final Fantasy XI and World of Warcraft were the big guns that blew through the walls and showed the western-world this demon. Plenty of them existed over in EurAsia for a long time now. The difference? You pay your 50$ or more for the game, install it.. and then pay to be able to log-in/on and play the blasted thing. Whereas for most of the ones in EurAsia.. it's a micro-charge (they call it).. where, the game is free.. but for items, or multiple characters, or whatever, it costs you a nominal fee. One-time fee, but these things(items) typically have a limited-time use to them.. let's say, for sake of an arguement, 7-days use before it's removed from your inventory.

The key thing here is.. you pay for the game system or computer. You pay for the internet connection.. you pay for the game. ..and now you must pay to enjoy the thing you've paid for already.
That's like having to throw a wedding every month just to stay married to your spouse.
Or renting your house.. or your car.. and never being able to the thing outright.

To me, this is legal-thievery at it's most money-grubbing-greediest.

The only way I've found to fight back is.. by not playing these games. Not buying them, or using them. ... And I'm not alone.. my friends are now starting to see the idiocy of this. ...and, go figure.. in general, our desire to play games dwindles. Time for a new hobby.. maybe something healthier. I've picked up the bass.. and am slowly getting back into comics and reading. Not sure what my friends are doing. But one thing is certain : It's not wasting our money on these wallet-pigs who whore-out our interest in games.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Time for another update

Yep, yup. Time to do this again.
Forgot to do it friday after the girlfriend's birthday thing.
Which turned out to be a good thing (forgetting to do it)

Thursday: Her Birthday. ... nothing went as planned. ... okay.. ONE thing went as planned.. we happened to be in the same place in the evening.. other than that, nada.
Saturday : Out to dinner with some family(my side) and a relatively enjoyable evening.
Sunday : Spent some of the afternoon with her family.

It's weird.. I can see myself enjoying the rest of my life with her... but then there are some things in the back of my head that nag and scream and hit me with sticks.

So.. all in all.. yeh, seems like things went well.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Guitarists might kill me. Willie, for sure.

Okay.. so, I'm trying to learn guitar in 3 days. Today is one of them. Fingertips on left hand oughta be bleeding, but they refuse. Must to succeed!!

The song I'm trying to learn can be heard HERE . So.. while I play bass.. I can't hit the same levels on bass as can on guitar.. and it's essential I do this on guitar for me to pull this thing off.

If anyone's got tips or tricks ..let me know. I nabbed this image from somewhere online for chords to use.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009



After a couple of failed attempts.. and advice from Those-Who-Know-More-Than-Me that didn't work ... I've formated my harddrives, removed all the partitions except for the neccessary one(recovery info, etc).. and now it's on to the job of reinstalling things (for the third freakin time).
Windows Vista has a nice function that essentially saves all your crap and throws it into an folder marked ` windows.old`.. so you don't really lose anything if you just install a new OS.
I mistook this for a good thing.

So when I formatted drives (forgetting my days of DOS, and cardinal rule #1- backup to portable storage) I lost all the things that the initial OS install had kept.

So now I get to spend time trying to remember where I found all the nicknacks and items that helped me personalize this hunk of technology.

Ah well. It's nice.. like a clean-slate.. I get to start with a fresh pallete, a blank canvas and can start painting again, as it were.

I did this over the Easter Weekend. Now.. this is a rant for another day.. but man! If you're not a Christian, you shouldn't get the day off. I'm not muslim or hindu or any of that stuff, and I don't get their religious holidays off.. okay..better stop before this post goes into the wrong tangent..
SO.. I did this over the Easter weekend, and it got me thinking about how.. the Messiah went through all that stuff... so we could have a clean slate.. and we want that clean slate.. let Him reformat our brains and habits and patterns.. defrag our souls..to become new blank canvas'.. that He can paint on.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Just for Lar..and others like him

Okay.. so, barring my mental capacity to think of ways around things, I'm just going to get uber-lazy (yes, over-lazy is an option.. cats choose it all the time) and just flaunt this here, and see what happens.

So.. THIS image is a small compilation from school (mashed together from various screenshots of critters I've created through the tools provided in NC Soft's City of Heroes/City of Villains)..

The project was to create an advertisement for a video game. Now.. a 60 is a passing grade, and my teacher(who is no longer a teacher there) slipped it by at a 76 after much harassment from the WoW-fanatic who sat next to me. (hers was much better than mine, and only got something like an 80.. lesson learned: never let a hobby-programmer grade your artwork, even if it's general layout.) This was done with Photoshop, CS3 version.

And THIS (which I scored a 98 on) was done on Illustrator, CS3.. object was to design a website layout. ...You won't be able to see the sticky-notes for the web-head programmers who would(in theory) have looked at it all and turned it into a viable website.
Your comments, opinions, and critiques are welcome. (Especially because I slaughed both projects off in less time than a person enjoys a -really- good cup of coffee)
And no.. don't ask me why I went with `cheese`.. I think it may have been some mental trailing thought about how cheesey the course was turning out to be.....this is all before I swapped from that and hopped on the Accounting/Payroll bus. ^_^

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Another thing in the Big List of Stuff I Don't Understand

Okay.. so.. what the heck.
I'm near-indestrucitble sometimes. I've been hit by cars, a boat, a truck, bicycles, soccer players(football to you non-northamericans), walls, fish, pellets(from guns)..hammers..drywall.. my own stupidity.. I've been hit by a lot of things.

Theory says any head-trauma a person suffers should lower their IQ a few points.. I should be as smart as a brick.. maybe a houseplant.. but instead.. here I am.. slacker lazybum I am, I barely study.. and more or less gloss over my books.. take a few notes on things I figure I'll forget..and I still pass my courses with good marks. (88% is good, right?)

I've got a body that.. put me in the middle-ages, I could be ~right at home on a battlefield, swinging an axe into somebody's face~ ..to quote a movie... I really don't take care of myself... and yet, I'm rarely sick.. in decent physical shape.. and smarter than your average bear..

I don't get it.. God makes me one way..and I live a completely different way.. and I'm still here and kicking. And then some.

I don't get it.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Stupid human tricks

Okay.. I don't get it.

People are SO honking dumb! Especially when they talk to little kids/babies or animals. Why do they do that? They talk in that annoying baby-talk with the high-voices and their voices always go up at the end of whatever they're saying like in old-school french class.
What.. do they think the kid/animal's going to understand them better? Like how people raise their voice(volume) and talk s-l-o-w-e-r to folks who don't speak whatever language they're speaking.

I don't get it.
Annoys me.
Just talk to them like they're people(little kids).. geez. No need to pander down to them.. they'll understand. Body language.. tone.. the whole thing.. kids are smarter than we give them credit for..but are also a lot dumber than want to believe they are.

So.. the next time you come across people going stupid over little kids or puppies or whatever.. help them stop making asses of themselves.

Friday, March 27, 2009


Okay.. so tonight was interesting. Nice lil rendition of things tonight.. and the jamming at the end was just.. it was great, in my opinion. Sure, I buggered up a fair bit.. but that's to be expected when you're learning.
What I -want- to learn is how to just play-by-ear.. but that requires more skill than I currently have.
I firmly believe that to play by ear, all you really need is a good knowledge of where the notes on your instrument are.. and what they sound like.. so you can reach them, accompany them, compliment the ones being played.

On another note, yesterday was 3 months with the girlfriend. Didn't get to talk to her, call her, nothing. So I sent her an email. Real romantic, I know. She wasn't there tonight.. turns out she's sick. That sucks (that she's sick). Sometimes I wonder if we're the right people for each other...among other things. I wish there was a simple forumla for knowing if someone is the right person for you..would make life so much simpler. But.. then I guess it'd take a lot of something I'm not understanding out of it, too.

Meh.. so that's it for my thursday.. more or less enjoyable. Off to see the 'morrow.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Facebook, Twitter, Neopets, Xianz, The Weather Network, MySpace, Various Email Accounts
A random sampling of the places people I know spend their online time.. sort of wasting time..really.
And it IS wasting time.. depending on what's put out/on there.

Steve Brethour once said he refused to get a facebook(heretofore referred as crackbook) account because it was "simpy one more thing I'd have to look after, and I don't want to spend my time on that." Smart man.

Things we waste or invest time on. Time is the only real thing we can never get back. We can mend relationships sometimes.. we can fix/patch/rebuild something like a car or a house.. we can replace things that get broken, like a tv or window.. ...maybe this is why money becomes so important to some people.. because deep in their souls they know they're trading the one thing they can never get more of - time - for a dollar amount.

I ponder about selling my laptop and just spending more time investing in decent things.. working out more.. more cardio.. really really getting into my bass.. and blending it with my harmonica .. reigniting my fires for art and refining what is probably gone rusty in my art-skills. Mental pursuits as well as physically-bettering ones (like the above mentioned cardio).

Discipline.. it'll take discipline.. and the fact that I enjoy videogames and online socializing (is it really socializing??).. I have to admit they've got a hold on me. Found a new game, free, nice blend of a few pay-to-play games I used to waste money on..and I can see it taking root in me. ...better cut that off fast! ... it's one thing to enjoy something.. it's another to keep my lazy ways and ignore what I know is better for me.

And it's all just stuff to keep me occupied.. blinded from what I know I need to do.. get off this laptop.. away from the games, away from a tv, and do something.. healthy. My excuse is that I have no one to do anything with, really. I don't rollerblade well, and I don't like to go places alone.. but I enjoy working out by myself.. so at least there's that. But `working out` is weights.. not cardio, to me. Have a goal.. get to it.. repeat. Like.. don't ask me to go for a walk.. because my response is `where to?`. If you say `hey, let's go for a walk down by the pier`.. Okay.. it's a destination..and away we go.

And there's my harmonica staring at me from the edge of the desk. ... tomorrow is slated as `music refinement day`.. so.. it'll keep until then. And until then.. I'm going to go do something else.. providing I've the willpower to go do it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Smearin O' th'green

YAR!! wait.. that's not too irish, now is it? Meh.
Anyhow.. it's St.Patrick's Day.. a day for green-dyed beer and clovers and green... wait.. what?? How does a man's name become associated with this stuff? (probably the same way Easter got associated with chocolate rabbits and eggs)

Either way... It's the day.. it's almost over.. if you've got some green on.. good for you ..though I'm not sure why `good for you`.. but anyhow.
And if not.. party-pooper! Ah well.

Slainte` !

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Small update

Okay.. 2 updates.
Update from Valentine's Day :

Oh.. the CHEESE of it all! ....lucky for me, my girlfriend likes cheese.

What she has yet to learn, I think (I could be mistaken) is that usually when I'm being sincere or serious..it comes out sounding like some cheesey line of hooey..at least to my ears, anyhow.

So.. for Valentine's Day.. I got her a ring. Now.. we're not dating.. we're courting. The difference, you ask? Well, dating usually involves a fair bit of physicality to it, and we're doing what we can to keep that at bay.. and getting to know each other mentally, emotionally, spiritually. But the big kicker is.. we're both aware that if for whatever reason, this doesn't end up in marriage(which is a goal from the get-go, made clear), then the worst we've got at the end of it is a good friend.

This is a photo of the ring I got her, ( ------> )
And for the record.. the pig in the picture is what she got me... to help drive home the fact that she likes cheese. ...which is good.. because when a guy gives a girl a ring.. the rock is usually some kind of precious stone set in semi-precious to precious metals.. not plastic with flavoured hardened ugar sitting on it.

Update from recent-previous post:

Okay.. my Smith&Wesson Military&Police arrived today.

Not exactly what I expected, but it's better than it could have been ...What was advertised is not what is.. and the best part of that is that what was advertised is on the back packaging.. but there's a small box with the actual specs of the weapon on it. No double-stage trigger, no blowback action (I'm aware of.. haven't been to the range yet) and the powerplant has a good chance of pinching skin when you close it..as I've already done that to myself.

Still.. all in all, I like the look, the overall feel of the weapon. Once I've spent a few rounds through it, I'll have a better idea. All in all, I like what I see so far.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Odd Man Out

Okay.. you know how, when you were little...and at school or the playground, 2 `captains` were chosen (usually the popular kids..or the ones who were good at the game) and they picked people to play on their team?

I didn't experience that much. Mostly because I refused to play the game. (refusing to play The Game is a behaviour I keep with me to this day) ..but I have been there.. and often enough I've been one of the last 2 or 3 people(in groups larger than 10) picked for a team. It's not that I don't have any athletic skill..I just haven't honed any of them. Where I have honed my skills is spread out.. no one thing being of such a great superior ability that anyone I know would come to me first off, knowing they could rely on my knowledge and ability and whatever got done would be more than good enough.

Where I stand now.. I'm kind of feeling like Rock from Black Lagoon.. neither in the light, nor in the darkness... but the twilight of the in-between. ....I don't fit in, in either world.
See.. I've got a handle on my anger and rage..but it burns within me and sometimes clouds my thoughts and attitude. Toss in a mouth that disregards an extensive vocabulary for blunt-force-cussing eyes that can bounce from this jiggle to that jiggle.. and a general disdain for people the world over.. and you've got one pretty lousy, outright bad example of a Christian.
And yet.. I'm not as bad as I once was..and even then, I'm not Scum of the Earth either.. bad, but not bad enough.. Bad enough to have cops give me a look-over and that petty-punks would leave me alone, while the harder-core elements eyed me up.

I don't fit in at a church..and I'm no longer comfortable sitting in a bar or strip club. (well..I was never too comfortable in a stripclub anyhow. Sure I can talk the talk and act how you ought to (more or less) in either environment.. but neither feels genuine..and I refuse to be that guy if I can help it.

I'm the odd man out.. and here I stand.. and have been standing here for a while now.. at a crossroads where decisions must be made.. and it's enough of a war-zone that I don't want to put up shop and try to sell to both sides. There's no peace in a situation like that. And so why don't I simply just make a choice and go for it?.. well.. I know God is real.. and so I can't go back to being `bad`... and when I look at church people.. I dunno.. I guess I expect(and there's the failure right there) something more than just.. people.. people as flawed as me.. I need a constant reminder that it's not like flicking a switch...everything is a process.. but man alive, I wish it was like flicking a switch.

Switch on. Bad habits and thoughts off. Tra la la la laaaa...awwww nuts. It don't work like that.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Why I'm not God

Simple reason, really.

You'd all be done.
Gone and beyond remembrance and just.. poof, out of here.

I really should take serious consideration at what it takes to be a hermit. As a general rule, I can't stand people. At best I tolerate them.. what very few friends I have, even they annoy me to the point of murder at times.

"oh.. everyone goes through a rough patch where they don't like anybody"
Yeah.. but rough patches last maybe a week or two.. not the better part of an entire lifetime.
The sole thought that prevents me from becoming as violent as I believe I truly should be (at times) is that I don't like court. Don't like judges, lawyers, legal fees and fines and above all, jail or prison. Especially because you can bet I'd be convicted, in a heartbeat. All I'd have to do is explain the situation that leads to me just no longer caring about the consequences, and engaging knuckles into face...and the judge would put themselves in my shoes and go `Yup, I'd do the same. Guilty as charged, take him away.`

There's a reason I don't go to the movies. And it's people. It was bad enough when it was just people being stupid and talking or slurping their drinks or whatever.. now it's cellphones. Constantly. About 45 minutes into a movie, for the 4th time this guy 2 seats over brings his phone out, I tap him and tell him to shut it off.. threatens me about touching him again, he's not turning his phone off, and then says something probably unflattering in a foreign language.

Now that gets my ire up right there.. you're in this country, not your home country, kid. Learn the national language. Next, turning your phone off during a movie is simple common courtesy. And best of all, threatening someone... that right there gives me (in my own world, anyhow) the green-light to break part of you off so I can beat some good manners into you with the wet-end.
...But then, that wouldn't be good manners on my own part.

I just don't know.. more and more I hate people. Knowing exactly what they are.. I can not stand them. ...I don't know how God does it.. let alone why He would bother having mercy and grace for any of us.
It's beyond me. And if it's beyond me, it's probably beyond you, too. (yup, there's some ego for you). Seriously.. what's your gut-reaction to people who annoy you, threaten you, piss you off, then just sit back all smug, like they're the cat's ass?
For me.. it's breaking my knuckles on their face.
Violence.. cause of, and solution to, all the world's problem. ...but an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.. so there's gotta be a better way.

As for me?.. I'm in the market for a cozy cave just on the cusp of civilization..preferably with central air and highspeed wireless, of course.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Living by the sword

I have timing. Amazing, incredible, horrifically absurd timing.
There are two women I know.. whenever I call the one, she's either stepping into or out of the shower, and the other one is always just getting out of bed. Doesn't matter what time of day I call. Timing, I tells ya.
So.. I put an order in for the new model Smith&Wesson M&P, which can be seen Here, and sure enough, I had called the order in just too late to get it shipped today. ..which really isn't too bad, as it oughta take about 2 days by expedited courier.

Live by the sword, die by the sword. Well.. my sword tends to be a few things.. usually my anger and my tongue. However.. I have a penchant-love of weaponry. Specific weapons linger in my lust..but weapons in general fascinate me. Custom weapons more so. Now.. anime gives birth to a whole slew of weapon ideas.. such as a gunsword (looking at you, Final Fantasy VIII)... and I've been getting my fill of Black Lagoon lately and one of the main characters uses aSword Cutlass which is really a Beretta M92FS modified with grips and I don't know what else, probably trigger sensitivity, and silver/chrome colouring. Skull & Crossbones engraving.. it's just a pretty & mean looking weapon.
Well.. as I said, I love weapons. I've got a two airsoft springer pistols, which remind me of the above mentioned Beretta 92's, but are really knock-offs of something else..can't remember what. And I've got a 357-6 pellet revolver.

The thing I love most about these is.. I don't need a license, PAL, FAL, or anything other than proof that I'm over 18 (and I haven't been ID'd since I was 15) to acquire them. They're not lethal, save I shoot you in the eye for breaking into my abode.. but chances are real good I won't get you there. I'd be aiming for kneecaps and groin before I aim at your face.

Eventually, I plan on acquiring some bladed weaponry - after I acquire some rifles. ...now I blame The Duke... yup, John Wayne for showing me the lustre and joy of a lever-action rifle. Bolt-action and lever-action rifles are what I drool over, as far as rifles go. You can have your shotguns and such... but I'll be happy with an old M1 Garand or even the lowly and often-mocked, Red Ryder 1938 model BB-gun. Set up a backdrop and a trap..and I'm happy for a good while plinking away.

So anyhow.. there's my post for the day. When my new `toy` (and it ain't no toy.. don't let your kids near the thing.. people are stupid the world over..and projectile weaponry just makes us dumber) arrives, I'll toss up some pics of my small collection.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

2 posts in 1 day?

Yup.. two posts in one day.

Whyfore?, you ask.

Because I got some good news today.
Two things, actually..one of them just happened.

The first.. brightened my day after a few weeks of misery and just all-together unbustable funk.. I received a Beta-Key from EA. And I was thinking yesterday, ~C'mon man, what's the deal? I'd like to beta-test this puppy.. it was supposed to be released last summer, let's see what the hold-up is!~ ...and no dice. Literally. The company's name is DICE, from...Sweden?..makers of a fine lil franchise owned by EA called BattleField.

So far.. I'm seeing why they're taking so long in getting this puppy done and ready for mass-consumption. Something'll be new for us here in the West, but is fairly normal in the East, and has been for a few years now. I think it'll take off with rockets when it lands and is accepted.
...Notice to all you WOW players.. your days of paying per month for access to everthing and having a percentile-chance to win/loot stuff without being ninja'd... is up. It's been up for a while, but like most things European.. it takes a while to land here and take root. And things in the East (orient) take a while to take off in Europe..so we get kinda doubly-screwed, time-wise.. so much for `global village` and `one worldwide market conglomerate`.

If DICE is true to their word, and takes to heart the suggestions from the Beta Testers and implements the best of the ideas and fixs the bugs that are still there... we're in for a good time, yo.

Now the second bit of good news.. it's always nice when peopel apply what they've learned.. and someone called tonight to share something and it really hit the spot.. especially because it shows that not only did they pay attention to the sermon on sunday, but that for all the doubters and naysayers in and out of the church.. hey, God is still God.. alive and active and moving and speaking in the world today.. so get over yourselves and accept what can't be denied.
...well, it can be denied.. but that takes more faith than I've got.. so there you go.
C.S. lewis said it well : As a Christian, things appear too highly improbably. When I was an atheist, Christianity seemed horribly probable.

Procrasti-hey lookitthat!!

I've been meaning to write more.. I have.
Thought about it for a few days.. and then side-tracked myself with other things.
Seems my discipline to concentrate on various things I oughta do just ain't there.
Discipline.. ick. We hate discipline, we really do.. we the people that live on this planet.
So we make up another name for things we enjoy on a regular basis.. it's a hobby, it's a habit. This is part of my ritual, my annual whatever, I do this, I do that, I spend my time on whatever, I invest myself in .....
Either way, it's still a discipline.. most of them are disciplines of leisure and enjoyment.. hardly seems like a discipline at all, until you try to do something different.

Friend of mine has the discipline to read his bible when he gets up every morning.
Every honking morning, man! ..I wonder to myself.. does he get up and go pee first..or does his open his eyes, reach over for bible, and start reading instead? ...me, I get up and shower.. part of my "morning ritual"... I've let myself become disciplined to this. I could change it, but that would require another discipline to be forged over what I do now.

Procrastination is another discipline I've let take ownership in my life. Usually for things I don't want to do, like homework.. or dishes...... or scrubbing the bathtub. Homework.. man, never thought I'd have homework at this stage in life. ...Anyhow...
Even for things I WANT to do.. like practice my bass, or workout... I procrastinate on them!
I didn't realise a whole week had gone by since my last post until I called up the gunshop today to see if they had their order in or not.

Thing about disciplines.. habits, if you will.. is they're hard to break..and hard to make - the good ones. The not-so-good ones are easy...which is probably why there are more bad-habits than good ones out there.

So.. as I eat my Big Turk bar and look at my weights... I think I'm going to practice the C and G major scales on my bass.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Valentine's follow-up


We ended up doing the very thing we decided we weren't going to do.
Pretty sure the girlfriend is kinda pissed at me.
Fortunately, she's level-headed..and after explaining what was going on.. she's not so angry at me anymore.. though I'm fairly certain she's still kind of upset/miffed at me.
Lucky me.. chocolates smooth things over.
A few boxes... just enough to fill a pickup truck.
That, and a ring.
Which she promptly ate. To see why, click here .

Now.. we had previously been to a restaurant we both enjoyed.. good food at good prices.. we'd been there a few times. However.. the first time we went there with some friends of mine.. they had changed the menu. And we went there again saturday with said friends..and for the second time, things were less than good. Instead of informing my friend's wife they were out of the dish she wanted, they simply substituted something else instead and served it. With two waitresses for 5 tables (the largest party being a party of 6, and none of them being obnoxious or demanding), the service was horribly inadequate. So this place is now on our `bad` list. ...which is a shame, because it was a great place to go before they changed the menu... that's the only thing I can see as a pivotal crux... the menu changed, and the food and service changed with it.

And then the movie we wanted to see.. we were too late to see..so renting something.. and being harassed by some poor kid in the parking lot for fund-raising stuff.. now, my sweety deals with kids for a certain club.. so she's upset that whoever's looking after this kid has them in a busy parking lot, at 930 at night, and the parking lot ain't exactly brightly-lit. Stupid people, they's everywhere.. and most kids, if they're doing something like selling chocolate bars for fundraising, they just go where you tell'em and try to sell the chocolate bars.

She got another ring this morning.. also eaten. Which is fine.. eventually she's going to get a ring she can eat but won't want to. We found something nice and functional. Says she doesn't want an eye-gouger...which to me is a relief because it won't be a wallet-gouger either. At the ludicrous divorce-rates in the world.. 2-months salary is a stupid waste of money.. you could get multiple hookers for that kind of cash and be happier with your life, really.
Not that that's the smartest idea in the world.. but from a strict money and stats perspective.. hey, there ya go.

Not us though.. we're both `'til death do you part` people. Which is good. Also some same/very similar viewpoints on other things. We did get a bit of time to ourselves today, which was nice. Weather wasn't too bad either, so we enjoyed a bit of a walk.
Got to see a new side of my sweety.. playing cards with a friend of hers.. she can be quite.. vocal.. silly and vicious..all in one. Was.. weird.. but cute. Weird game.. mostly because you can just up and help your opponents.. and most games have you out solely for yourself.. but this one sets you up for helping each other.. or at least, wheeling&dealing for mutual benefits.
And for those curious.. yes, she won. Beat me by 5 points.

All things considered... for a couple of people who've never `done` valentine's day.. I think we managed fine.. taking into account the screw ups and let-downs.. I think we came through the other side just fine.
Time'll tell either way.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Just another day?

It's Valentine's Day.

A day made for whatever reason.. personally, I figure it was originally instated to help folks deal with the dreck of more winter and cold and an excuse to whoop it up and celebrate something.
Could have been better-thought-through, though. Seriously. Here you are, a bit past the general half-way point of winter, and you're celebrating love and couples and marriage and all the supposed mushy-mush feelings that go along with it. ..Great.. for the other half of the populace(which is now becoming the greater portion, apparently)..it's just another rub in the face of something else they've not acquired/achieved/lived up to.

As for me.. my girlfriend is probably going to be some kind of disappointed. Why? Because I'm sick. She came to see me at school yesterday..and I was working. So she sat and read for an hour plus while I finished up what I was doing. And instead of going out and doing something afterward.. we hopped on a bus, and I went back to the house..and got a few things done..and then slept for about 5 or 6 hours. Woke up long enough to grab a bite to eat..then went back to sleep... and slept for about 9 hours. ...now.. you oughta know I don't `sleep`....I almost-nap. I constantly wake up for no good reason..and when I'm sick.. at least I can roll over and hauk into the wastebin whatever's trying to kill me in my sleep. ...So.. poor girlfriend. Comes all the way downtown to see me at school... gets snubbed for work... then jumps on the bus with me..and I just go back to the house and crash.

She wants to see a movie tonight. No big plans, no major deal.. okay fine, no worries. ...and I'm sick with..whatever. So this is a problem.. I can't actually sit still long enough for a movie.. If I'm moving, I'm fine. If I'm doing -something- I'm fine. But the minute I sit down my nose and sinuses go back to work and my throat closes up and it's time to make noise blowing my honker or coughing something up. ...not exactly what you want to be subjected when you're out at the movies.

When we first started seeing each other.. I told her that I can `either save everything up for one big super-memorable day on valentine's...or we can treat like any other miserable day and I'll just be as romantic and goobery as I feel for whenever`. Her choice.
Now.. my girly.. she's a smart girly. Very down-to-earth, too. Doesn't figure valentine's should be a big deal. And yes, by all means, be as smooshy as I wanna be whenever I want to be. (I so have plans for something at a funeral..mwahahahahah. Naw, just kidding)

And yet.. I still feel as though I oughta do something, even if the ever-cliche` box of chocolates and flowers. .....but she likes cheesey things. So this throws me off my usual gameplan. Feduciary-provisions allowing, I would probably want to do something like get a horse-drawn carriage ride through the countryside near dusk while nibbling on muncheables and sharing a nice bottle of wine... freeze our buns off while watching the stars come out. You know, nothing romantic.. just nice and something to be able to look back on in the future-years. ...but that ain't exactly cheesey, apparently it is romantic.. though I beg to differ. ..maybe just stuff that seems normal to me is either bizarre or romantic, depending on the situation. .... So instead.. I'm looking at a pastel-rainbow'd monkey-hat. And ring-pops. (you know, those lil plastic rings, with a huge honkin candy on it?) ...Maybe next year I'll see what I can do about some pop-rocks and a bottle of 7up. .. like 50.lbs of poprocks and 20L of 7Up and see how big a mess I can make. Of course, I'd have to get strawberry/cherry/raspberry flavoured ones, so the mess turns out pink and thereby is an appropriate colour for the day.

Well.. I guess I'll have to see what happens.. how well I'm feeling and what my girly is up for tonight. SO.. happy valentine's y'all. ...and if you're single.. enjoy the fact you don't have that stupid societal pressure to spend money on (really) trivial things.
Next month : Steak & a Blowjob day. ....yeh, that'll go over well, I'm sure (now wipe the sarcasm off your screen)

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The odd thought out

According to scientists... and, you should know up front I put about as much stock in what they say as the people who waste good tax-payer money on ludicrous research like the mating habits of the fruit-fly...or the tse-tse fly for that matter.. .anyhow.. according to scientists.. men think about sex once every three seconds.




..Screw you science!.. wait.. let me rephrase that.

Hah, you suck science!..wait.

Ahh.. forget it.


I often wonder about the how and where and why `scientists` come up with these things.. and how they just make theories into `fact`..and if you don't agree with this thing that usually has `theory` in the title naming of it..then you're just dumb. ..

The Big Bang Theory.

The Theory of Evolution.

Einstein's Theory of Relativity.

Theory theory theory. The big bang theory..that gets me. Especially how so many people and `smart folk` just assume it must be true.


How do we know we're not like sea-monkeys or xyloplankton or something to some much larger critter?... we don't. If everything is made of molecules, that we can't really see... how do we know that's true? We just take these people's word and `research` as true. ...but the idea of God making anything..or doing anything.. man, that gets their panties in a twist.

I recall hearing someone once get so frustrated and angry...to the point that I couldn't help but laugh listening to them rant..because it reminded me so much of a small child having a fit for not getting their way.

If you're a scientist.. then isn't your passion really to find things out?.. to question everything and seek the truth behind things? But you can't conclude a god, let alone the God, made anything..that you'll never know for certain on something..or anything like that. I wonder why... and yet, I know a couple reasons why.. but I suppose I could be wrong.

I'm really curious how these intellectual people can possibly claim to devote themselves to science..what is essentially the pursuit of truth and knowledge...and just blindly bind themselves to an unestablished theory of something.. particularly about something no one can possibly have an answer for, such as how we all got here, or how we're really all held together, and how the sun was made..or when it'll supernova and cook us all to a crisp.

Me?.. I'm going with God on this. I'd rather think that I'm a purposefully created critter with something to do in my life...instead of an incredibly infinitessimally minute percentile probability of being formed into something.. and that's just forming a planet... forget something as complex as a heart.. lung.. brain.. or person. I've often wondered... what did the first critter that managed to breathe air reproduce with after it crawled out of the water? I mean.. even if it were asexual, like worms or nematodes.. then it's offspring would inherit that genetic trait as well, right? ...or are you going to tell me that hey, the mutation that caused it to stop breathing with gills and start using lungs not only didn't cause it to drown, but also mutated the asexuality of it so it's offspring were dual-sexed critters ??

...even the bad-math on that gives it such a small chance of happening... but hey... I suppose you could chalk it up to a miracle..

oh wait..

Miracles tend to belong in the realm of the supernatural... the non-science..God..angels, ghosts, demons.. things like that.

I like the wind.

Nobody can prove it exists... because all we know are the effects of this thing we call the wind.

We feel it as it rushes past us... we hear it as it moves through trees and leaves.. we see it blow rain and snow stuff about... we only experience the repercussions of this thing moving and being...but we never see the thing itself. Can't touch it.. can't put it in a jar on a shelf for future generations to study and examine and such...

So how does science go about `proving` wind?.. How can a meteorologist claim to predict weather?... it's not a science.. kinda of like being a doctor isn't a science.

It's called `practicing` medicine for a reason.. because what works on me, might not work on you..and might outright kill someone else, and the reversal of all that can be true as well.

Look at peanutbutter... 20 years ago, kids being allergic to peanuts was hardly heard of...and now, it's so common place ...it's ridiculous.

So... I'll listen to my music.. play my videogame.. snuggle with my sweetheart..watch a movie, do my homework and practice on my bass... and let sex pass me by for the mostpart.

Every 3 seconds?... it took more than 3 seconds to type out my lil rant on science... and sex didn't enter my mind during the rant. It's on my mind now because I'm using it here for this example.


Take that, science. One more for the Unknown!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Sometimes a miracle.. sometimes.. user-error

deep breath.
deeeeeeep breath.
I loathe ACCPAC so much. I am beginning to understand why the people who install and setup the program are paid a ludicrous amount of money per hour for the work (which, on average, takes 16 hours for a tiny mfg. company...yes, a tiny company..less than 20 employees, if I remember right.) ....this program is pushing the 20-year mark, I think. Sure, it's been revised and idiot-proofed.
Idiot-proofed to the point that if you aren't bang-on perfect, you either get errors in you reports (in which case, you were perfect enough to slip through the idiot-proofing, but still wrong).. or the program throws up warning/error windows until you fix the problem..and if you can't see the problem, or there really isn't a problem aside from that you're working at something a bit differently from how the system demands you work it...then you're screwed.
2 weeks, plus the rest of this week. And a really good chance I'll never have to deal with the damned thing again, if I can help it.

I had a job like this once.. I woke up one morning and said to myself ~Wow.. I don't think I've ever continued going to a job I hate this much~ ..there are some things that just nibble at the edges of your soul while clawing away at your facade of being a decent person who doesn't throw the nice flatscreen monitors out the classroom window and send the desk after the computer to make sure it dies, wether from initial impact or hopeful desk-crushing afterwards.
....yeh, I know.. computers can't `die`.. but man alive, destroying the bloody thing would ..well.. relieve a fair bit of aggrevation and stress. ...
Oddly enough.. my ipod (see previous post about winning the thing) randomly plays Vengeance is Mine by Alice Cooper on the bus-ride to the house back from school.

One of the lyrics quotes that `vengeance is mine.. to forgive is divine.. not nearly satisfying I find` ...and oh man is that ever true or what?
More than once I've had the opportunity to push my envelope..to just reach out and take what I want.. and hooboy lemme tell ya.. I wanted it something bad. And on a lot of those occasions.. (too many, some might say).. I haven't done anything. Just sat back.. relaxed.. did nothing.

I'll give you two examples.
A) I was out with a girl, years back, we were at her place, had finished watching a movie.. she was a lil sick, fairly congested..we've known each other for years now.. and so the movie is done, and we're just talking.. she's got a pillow on my lap, her head on the pillow.. the only light comes from the candles, you know those big thick candles? - those ones, on top of the entertainment unit. ...There's a lull in the conversation.. and there's that push to just bend down and kiss her.
...now.. a kiss does many thing.
A kiss changes everything.
But a kiss should only confirm everything. (you can quote me on that)
and I did nothing. The excuse I use is that..well, she's sick, stuffed up. Kissing would have been like stealing her breath.. she wouldn't have been able to breathe..and besides, when you're all stuffed up, how kissable do you feel??
The truth is.. I love her. And refuse to take advantage of her. And that would have been pressing my advantage.
and part of me ..for a couple years now.. thinks that maybe I should have. Could have just pushed a bit, taken what I desired. But I didn't. I held back.
Lost opportunity. But so be it.

2) I had a great opportunity for exacting all sorts of revenge.. I had this guy by the throat no less, backed into a concrete pillar. After years of betrayals and selfishly-focused woundings, I had this dude where I could quite literally rip out his throat. Close my hand into a fist.. crush the larynx, rend open the esophogus and quite probably break one if not both of his carotid arteries ..carotid? I think that the right one..either of the two veins that run up the side of your neck that vampires love to nibble on...and just listen as he gurgles his last breaths and then walk away.
I had this punk up on his toes, and was right in his face about his trangressions.
So angry my knuckles were white and my hands shaking. I could have killed him right then and there. And maybe I should have. ...maybe I should have. I know this guy almost as well as I know the girl in the previous example. And I know he ain't changing his ways. Hard to change a lifestyle, after all....let alone one you pursue and defend against everything else.
...so... I didn't kill him. Would have done the world a service and all that.. sure.
But it ain't my job. No matter how much I would have liked to.. it ain't my place.

Vengeance is Mine, declares the Lord. It is Mine, I will repay.
....well, my own opinion is that God takes His sweet time repaying.
and when I think about that.. it's really a good thing. After all.. where would I be if he was quick to descend with wrath and fury?.. where would you be? We'd all be the scum scraped off someone else's boots as they walked over whatever remained of us... if there was even that much left.

SO... this brings me back to the computer and ACCPAC.
I hate this program. I was ready to leave school about an hour into it. But instead, I tried to fix the problem...numerous times. Only to be given useless advice from the help-centers.
So I went and found myself one of the school techies.. they're good with hardware and networking, but fairly useless with programs. I was about to just uninstall the program and restart from absolute scratch as everything else had failed, even creating a new company profile and such was pooched.. and had that small glimmer of `I better make sure they've got the install-cd here before I do this`. And of course, no they don't.
So... I went for a walk around the block, in just my shirt and pants. Left my coat on my chair and went. It was -21 with the wind, -16 without ... that's in celsius.. so..what.. somewhere from -5 to 3degress fahrenheit? Either way.. was a quick walk to say the least. Get back to my unit, and it's still giving me grief. Go to get a drink..come back..an try one more time..and for whatever reason, it works. It shouldn't have, but it did.

Vengeance is mine?.. no.. frustration is mine. How do you get revenge on an inanimate object, anyway?? The fault is my own, really.. because I'm choosing to use the bloody program (well, I have to use it for the coure..otherwise I can't graduate.).
3 weeks left. ..well.. 2 weeks, 4 days.
The countdown to regaining sanity is on.
Except.. the next module is self-taught(online taught..hah) for payroll..and from what others have said.. it's worse.
We'll see.

On a side note.. the girlfriend/fiance` and I are doing fine. Which is nice. She was away this weekend, whie I and some of the boys tried to recapture some of our youth... that didn't happen too well. But oh well.
Key thing is.. I missed her. And yeh, I love her..but I'm a bit worried, because it's not some kind of gushy, oogey-gooey feeling..just.. almost like slipping into cozy jammies and slippers. Weird.
For once..I'm not fighting in a relationship. Not fighting for their attention, or fighting myself to make them my attention. Weird. Thinking it's a good thing though. ..that whole emotional-rush-love thing.. if it was there, I'd feel a bit better about everything..but I know enough to not trust in emotions anyhow. After all, the heart is deceitful above all else, right?

Monday, January 5, 2009

Back to it


Back into `the grind`. ..and yet... it's comforting, to a degree. Something about a schedule.. of having something to do on a regular basis.. kind of lets you know where you are and what you're doing.
I've often thought I'd love to be an actor.. do essentially the same thing all the time, but it changes everytime you do it. That fits for me overly well, as I get bored with things far too quickly... and yet, I enjoy stability of the same-old same-old. Hard to find something that balances those two things in a good fashion.

I've known I'm a bit of an oddball in this world from the start..and as I get older, more and more I realise just how `beyond the norm` I actually am..and even better, how many more people out there are just. like. me. (you poor goobers!)

Example : Met the girlfriend's parents saturday over dinner. Apparently, this would, for a normal person, be a nervous time of trying to make a good impression while still trying to be yourself and all that jazz.
Me?.. not a nervy twitch whatsoever. I was a bit late (and I'm anal about being places on time..grrr!!!)..but just kinda walked up to the table `Hey, sorry I'm late.. you must be ____ *shake hands* and you must be ____ *shake hands*` sit down at the table and go on like nothing more bizarre had happened than I was late for going out with friends or something.
Don't get me wrong, it wasn't as all natural as going out with friends, but I use that so you get the idea of how nerve-less I was. Weird.

...and yet.. Get me working inside a computer system.. hardware more than software.. and I'm sweating and frazzled and just bleargh!... It's really odd.. the things that I -should- be nervous about, worried and a bit frazzled over.. I just don't seem to care.. but the other things.. they can get to me if I'm not careful.

~Don't sweat the petty stuff~... Hmm. `Don't worry about the little things`... Um... wrong?
Worry about the little stuff... little things make up the big things.
It's not like a V8 engine is made of one whole component.. it's made up of many smaller modules. If one of those smaller modules is shrecked... the engine itself will be slag. But if all those small pieces are fine-tuned and perfect, that engine will growl like a mountain lion ready for dinner.

So yeah.. I worry about the little things because I know if they're taken care of, the big stuff'll be sorted out by itself (technically, by the little stuff).

Stub a toe. OW OW OW, friggidy McOw, Batman!!
Slash my hand open with a steak knife... uhm... did I just actually do that? (like an idiot, pull skin apart to make sure) ..Yup. Hmm.. better get a papertowel. ..and some ice.
(I'm lucky, I heal quick)

Sunday is a prime example.. 'cause I still have the bruise under my nail. I went to pick up a riser, and must not have been paying attention.. because I jammed my thumbnail into it.. bent it back at the corner. Ow..ow ow ow ow ow friggidy ow, batman!!.. we've all done that.. and it hurts.
Later that day.. I walked into my buddy's apartment.. and somehow managed to bag myself on his door. Not the handle, but the latch. Now before you go asking yourself `how do you whack yourself in the groin with the latch of a door?!`.. I am living proof it is possible. I don't know how, I just know you can do it.
And the thumb hurts worse than that.. it's higher up on the complaint list.
Go figure.

Oh.. to top it off.. what's my sweety say to me about these things?
The door/groin - Ouch, that's gotta hurt. (so sympathetic)
The thumb - well suck it up, buttercup! (she's stealing my line here!!)

We're doing good though. We're like anyone else, we stumble, regain our balance, and fall over in the other direction, only to pick ourselves up and try again.. but we're doing well, I think. (ask her, she may have a different opinion).
And that's something that I need to work on, really.
Relationships can be like a job, or school, or whatever.. they become mundane.. they become routine.. and I can't have that... won't do that to my sweetheart. Because I know if I get bored.. I'm in trouble. Idle hands, and all that rot.
And she deserves better than that. So.. as she deserves better, I will be better, and we'll see where things go from here.