Okay.. you know how, when you were little...and at school or the playground, 2 `captains` were chosen (usually the popular kids..or the ones who were good at the game) and they picked people to play on their team?
I didn't experience that much. Mostly because I refused to play the game. (refusing to play The Game is a behaviour I keep with me to this day) ..but I have been there.. and often enough I've been one of the last 2 or 3 people(in groups larger than 10) picked for a team. It's not that I don't have any athletic skill..I just haven't honed any of them. Where I have honed my skills is spread out.. no one thing being of such a great superior ability that anyone I know would come to me first off, knowing they could rely on my knowledge and ability and whatever got done would be more than good enough.
Where I stand now.. I'm kind of feeling like Rock from Black Lagoon.. neither in the light, nor in the darkness... but the twilight of the in-between. ....I don't fit in, in either world.
See.. I've got a handle on my anger and rage..but it burns within me and sometimes clouds my thoughts and attitude. Toss in a mouth that disregards an extensive vocabulary for blunt-force-cussing eyes that can bounce from this jiggle to that jiggle.. and a general disdain for people the world over.. and you've got one pretty lousy, outright bad example of a Christian.
And yet.. I'm not as bad as I once was..and even then, I'm not Scum of the Earth either.. bad, but not bad enough.. Bad enough to have cops give me a look-over and that petty-punks would leave me alone, while the harder-core elements eyed me up.
I don't fit in at a church..and I'm no longer comfortable sitting in a bar or strip club. (well..I was never too comfortable in a stripclub anyhow. Sure I can talk the talk and act how you ought to (more or less) in either environment.. but neither feels genuine..and I refuse to be that guy if I can help it.
I'm the odd man out.. and here I stand.. and have been standing here for a while now.. at a crossroads where decisions must be made.. and it's enough of a war-zone that I don't want to put up shop and try to sell to both sides. There's no peace in a situation like that. And so why don't I simply just make a choice and go for it?.. well.. I know God is real.. and so I can't go back to being `bad`... and when I look at church people.. I dunno.. I guess I expect(and there's the failure right there) something more than just.. people.. people as flawed as me.. I need a constant reminder that it's not like flicking a switch...everything is a process.. but man alive, I wish it was like flicking a switch.
Switch on. Bad habits and thoughts off. Tra la la la laaaa...awwww nuts. It don't work like that.