Okay.. I've done it now.
Going 5-digits in debt for school... hah! No worries. (I don't know why, but whatever)
But dropping a couple hundred dollars on a beginner-kit for Bass guitar... well.. I worry about that. Now I've got to set a certain amount of time apart and integrate practicing and training and learning (more than just school learning now..wheeee) into my weekly routine. And I am the man with no set-schedule.(aside from school).
It's the same thing with clothes or regular shopping.. even grocery shopping! I get frazzled and worry about what I buy. I shouldn't splurge on a set of jeans ..even though my back pockets flap in the breeze and the world can see just how hairy my bum really is (or isn't). Or I shouldn't buy this big pack of chicken nuggets that'll last me a week and a half if I mix'em in a handfull at a time with the no-name mac&cheese.
And it's christmas time.(getting there).
Normally, I don't do christmas at all. And I'm a horrible uncle. So I try to make up for not being there to spend time with my nieces and nephew with stuff at christmas if I can afford it. Try and make it up there for a few days if scheduling allows.
And here I am now.. dropped more than a couple of hundred dollars on musical stuff for myself.. toys and such for my nieces & nephew, and some stuff for a friend who I'm trying a small experiment on, and she is now becoming aware of it. (hopefully, it all works out okay...looks like it might) ..feeling like a grand-jackass for buying something for myself... but I figure if I can get myself away from monthly-gaming fees and wasting money on crap when I can be practicing something, you know.. useful (at least to myself)..that'll help expand my own creativity.. huzzah. But what is it that I can't spend money on myself without feeling so freakin guilty and stupid? ..even when it's something that's needed!! (like.. shampoo. .....oooooh.. Ranma flashback)
Still some christmas shopping left to do.. and while yeh.. I probably should be smarter with my money.. I don't see this as breaking me (I'll have enough left over.. I figure.. but then.. is it enough for whatever God wants me to do with it?..or is it provided for this specific purpose now?.. one main reason I wanted to get a bass is so I can have another way of worship... my voice alone just don't cut it in my books) ...is part of the reason I've got this money (and spending it) is so I can hopefully help my friend realize she's a good-looking young woman, value herself, and to help her break out of the rut I see she's in? She's got dreams.. but.. for whatever reason.. can't go after them.
...for myself.. I know I couldn't go after something unless I thought it was worth it AND that I could actually do it.. and some of that is self-image. Not esteem.. who needs that junk?.. but image. How do I see myself?.. fairly worthless, actually. So I don't do much. ...but worthless, yet redeemed because of Christ's sacrifice and gift.. so I can do all things through Him who saved me..and I can now do things I've never even dreamt of. ...Okay.. so let's give this thing(whatever it is) a shot and see what happens.
While I have a few theories as to why I perpetually feel bad about buying anything for myself.. None of them seem to quite pinpoint the source. ...weird... I could drop a couple grand on a friend..and not bat a lash.. but 100$ for 4 or 5 pairs of jeans and I can't justify it.