So.. it is Christmas day.
A day of Massing for Christ.
Let all His follower come together and worship Him.
You know.. the funny thing is.. I've always believed that a man is his true-self when he is inebriated. I've been by mself since about 11 A.M. and drinking since about noon. I haven't built up a tolerance or anything, so my `buzz on` is fairly weak. It is now almost 6:30, and I've gone through half a case of beer (12 beers). That works out to about 2 beers an hour. Which really ain't bad, kinda pitiful among drinkers, really.... but for a guy who doesn't drink?.. I'm doing well. Definately not sober, but not drunk either.
And the funny thing is that as buzzy and wobbly as I am.. I can't help but think of how awesome God is.. and just how much I need Him in my life.
I was talking with a familiar acquaintance last night.. and asked her if she would consider going down the path of getting to know each other, with marriage as a pit-stop along the crazy adventure of life..
She said Yes.
Scary and exhiliarating and ... wow. Not really any of the things I look for in a woman.. and yet, at the same time.. so many things I -need- in a partner. How else to explain this other than how awesome God is?.. think about it.
Here I am.. with my own tastes and warped sense of desires and such.. and here's this girl who I've known for a while..and the most we've done is friendly-chitchat.. and yet.. she's got these character qualities I need ... yes, NEED.. not just want.. but things that.. well, frankly.. I feel loved.. accepted.. ...... Like I am normal.. when I'm with her. Despite the crazy stuff I do. espite my ramblings, despite my rantings and crazy fringe-ideas.
I can pull her close.. snuggle-up and .. just.. wow.
"Wow" is a phrase I can't really use with anyone. But with her.. it's all just.. 'wow.. this seems so natural' ...
I've kissed.. yes, wasted my lips and emotion and physical self, on more than enough women. There are two kisses that will forever stand out in my mind. ...and both are women I care about. The first.. Darlin.. there is no way I could forget you kissing me... so different from anyone else, so.. completely you..sweet and hungry and.. just.. yeah.
And Sweetheart.. wow. What can I say but wow?... Kissing you is.. ... better than any addiction I've ever had. You're amazing.
Now here is two women.. one that I have loved for years. ...and is marrying someone else. I'll do whatever I can to support her and the man she has chosen to be her husband.
And the other.. ...wow. ...Just.. Wow. I am so looking forward to getting to know you better than I do the other... what a ride we can have on this journey of life!
And there's the rub.
God teaches us so many things.. even through our own stupidity and choices and the things we do.. we can learn from them.. and the simple fact that God has kept us alive, not demanded a recknoning for our life's up to this point in time.. is a miracle!
God could yank my soul from my earthsuit(body) at any moment He so chooses..and demand I give an account for the things I've done with all He has given me.. every breath, every cent and dollar, every moment of time and the things I've done with them...
And yet He doesn't.. He gives me more time to do things, to learn things, to try and be better and more like His son Jesus... to slough off this `old man`.. this nature of Sin and self-destruction and hatred of God.... it's amazing.
How many adversaries give you an option of redemption? How myn who loathe what you've done to yourself.. who cannot stand the things you've become.. offer you a solution to all your problems and to bring you back into their embrace?
Only God. ... Only God through the sacrifice of His son..
Jesus Christ.. God made flesh.. came to fulfill the Cup of Wrath to be poured out on humantiy because of our choices and rebellion and hatred of God....
Can you hear that conversation?
`Son.. I cannot go easy on you if you choose this. Every last drop, every last dreg of this cup, shall you drink, though you beg otherwise, will be yours to indulge if you choose this.`
~Father.. I know. And I know You will give me endurance to get through, and because this is all for Your glory.. I choose this.. redeem Your people and ALL creation... I choose this misery so THEY can be redeemed.~
'So be it, My Son. on Your name, shall men be saved.`
And there it is.. as far as I can imagine. How awesome that name of Jesus.. how precious.. how.. how blapshemed... how often sullied and dirtied and.. ruined.. by His followers, forget just normal folks who don't care about God or even believe.
I'm one of them.. But Christ's followers ain't perfect... not to use that as an excuse.. righteousness.. it's a process of becoming. Ain't none of us perfect..and the world holds that up as their excuse to continue as they are, instead of seeing the miracles of how these poeple change and become more than they could otherwise..
and I? I'm like them.. to a point.. but I'm still far from perfect.. as I sit here and drink my beer.